Learning Unconditional Love

Over the past year and a half, the well of love that normally flows so smoothly and effortlessly from my heart dried completely up. The pain and uncertainty my body put me through asked for every ounce of that well to be given back to myself for survival. I was forced into unwanted isolation as my body took me to new levels of pain I didn’t know existed. My physical survival was the first thing on my mind at all times, and I’d do what I could to find joy and light in the midst of the darkness that plagued me.

Looking back on this past season, I see how it all forced me into so much discomfort to change old habits and mindsets that had to go. I am an enneagram #2, and if you know anything about that system you know that 2’s are considered “the helper”, and that is a role I have clung to most of my life. I have used my own love to manipulate others into loving me in return.. all of this is subconscious, but at the heart of it I have “helped” others or have poured my heart into relationships in order to receive the same love I so easily gave. Truly, I have never rested in unconditional love.. thinking that I must DO or EARN the love I desired from others. The drama of this past year shook this habit out of me in ways I could have never predicted.

Without anything to give in return, I was humbled again and again by the love I was given by the people who crossed my path. This habit was extremely hard to break, I would push my body to it’s limits to make sure the homes I stayed in were clean, to wash clothes or cook meals to make sure I would still be welcomed. Was I giving enough? Do they still love and accept me because I did X,Y, or Z? Over and over again I was given love from others without any condition, other than the expectation and condition I put on myself in those situations. The first outpouring of this love started with the Go Fund Me that my friends set up for me, and the love letters and compassion and kindness flooded into my heart like a big bright light- giving me the energy and push that I needed to keep moving forward. Strangers donated and shared, and I didn’t give them a thing.. they just loved me for being me. The gift of that love stayed in my heart in the darkest of times, I would be in total isolation, but would never be alone. Friends would buy me food when I couldn’t even talk, mothers would give me the mothering love I so desperately needed during that season while also scheduling appointments when my cognition didn’t work. I would show up to homes literally shaking because I had been in such a mode of fighting, and I would stand there just asking for a hug and for human connection. I asked for healers, and I found them at every turn.. healing my heart, mind body and soul.

Over and over again I would be humbled as all of my preconceived notions of love an how I should operate within relationships was shattered. When you aren’t used to getting that kind of love, it’s often hard to accept. It’s hard to open your heart to such depths of beauty and allow it to fill that well, which in turned help me in my fight for my life. Old friends opened their homes to me, when I had nothing to give in return.. sometimes not even a conversation. New friends would come in at just the right time and would hold me in such a sweet and tender space, giving me laughter and life when I needed it the most. I feel as if I haven’t had anything to give in return, but I know that love pours out of each of us even when we aren’t making an effort— and maybe that is also the lesson I have learned? When you are aligned with love and your own heart, loving others is easy and you drop all of those nasty cords of expectation and fear.

If I know anything about myself, it is that I learn from experience.. and I needed the experience of being loved fully in order to shatter all of the old unhealthy patterns that I used to exist in the world. I have been shown again and again what unconditional love looks and feels like, the same love I have been cultivating within my own heart for my own self was mirrored back to me. I have learned how to give unconditional love to those around me, which is a harder practice than you would think, especially when those deep seeded notions of “being enough” or “doing enough” to be loved run soooo deep. Friendships that did not exist in that plane of love were taken away, and new friendships opened up that met me in that space and taught me how to be a true source of love and light. It broke my heart a thousand times, but that breaking has just opened me up to see things clearer. As Joe Dispenza says, I have been breaking the habit of being myself, and introducing new habits and new beliefs into my system to override all of those limitations within myself that held me back from loving you fully.

Winter Manifestations

I remember the day my heart fell dark again. It was the end of November, I had lost my housing again and came to the stark realization that I needed to change my path.. that living in California by myself during this season of life was not feasible. To survive in Los Angeles, one must be on their tip-top game, and I was far from that place.. I was still in fight-or-flight survival mode and just could not secure a stable and supportive living environment that would all my body to heal. Looking up from my own desire to make California my home, I let go of the wheel and asked for whatever I needed to do next to come in smoothly and easily. That’s when I reached out for help from my family. What did I need to do? What was best for Meghan? I didn’t know the answer, but my parents had just flipped a little home in Downtown Decatur, Alabama and offered it to me as a place to rest, heal and reimagine my life. After a year of living out of the van and in so many different homes, I cried tears of gratitude as I allowed their love and this gift to come into my life. My friend Santina held me for hours as I weeped, as all the fear inside of me about returning home spilled out.. afraid of judgement, afraid that I would lose myself, afraid to face my past. Four days later, my parents flew out to LA and drove me and the dogs to Alabama in the camper van. Every morning I would wake up crying, feeling so much shame that I wasn’t strong enough to make it in California, and sadness that I hadn’t reached the point of healing I had hoped for.

Because of the Go-Fund-Me campaign, I felt an obligation to get better as quickly as i could towards each person who donated and believed in me. The shame was so deep in me, it was my own judgement of myself I have had to release over the past several months. had dreams of a vibrant and healthy life, and in California I felt like I could be my truest self.. to see others clearly and to be seen without judgement. I would cry and cry in the morning and at night feeling like those dreams were dead. I trusted my heart, I followed all the signs and walked through all of the open doors along this journey…since the journey ended so abruptly and not as I had envisioned, I questioned whether I could still trust my heart and that voice of the spirit inside of me. As it has been for the past 3 years, November through February were very dark months, and I felt like I was living in the twilight zone. To be completely honest, I did not think I would survive what my body threw at me this past year, and was able to see past the immediate. I went head first into all of my dreams, feeling like I would not live long enough to do the things I had always dreamed of doing and being. I wanted it all to manifest as quickly as possible, and as time slowed down I began to realize that I would actually live and that there was still the hope of a good life ahead of me.

No matter how hard I would reach for the light, for that joyful force that propelled me forward all year, it has been elusive. Upon entering my new home, I was overwhelmed to pick out new furniture and had a panic attack one afternoon when my mom came over to hang photos. It has been difficult for me to settle down into a life I didn’t expect back in Alabama. Everything was so familiar, nothing had changed, but I had changed so drastically I haven’t known how to exist as my new self in this environment that housed my youth. I came into town without any friends, and have spent many days alone working to transmute all of the shadow that was coming up inside of my heart. Trauma from the past 3 years started to rise up to be processed now that I was in a physically safe and stable environment. Inspiration to create left my heart and soul, and the motivation to move forward was lost as I have been mourning all of the pain from the past.

After being alone a lot of the year and fighting for my health, it was foreign for me to be hugged and loved again. I have felt such great love from my family, often times I am left in tears as how easily that love has come in and how full it makes my heart. I’ve surrendered all of my expectations of how I had hoped the things that I needed would come in, and as I have done this, everything I have needed has easily manifested in my reality. Often I will say “ I miss Meghan”, but what I am realizing is that I am far from the Meghan I was a year ago. I have learned so much through this experience and have healed so many of the dark corners of myself that I' hide from the world. I am settling back into my own skin, shedding the layers that no longer serve me, and incorporating all I have learned and am grounding it in the daily life. It’s extremely difficult to go from fight-or-flight to a slow and safe daily life. When your in fight-or-flight- you can’t look beyond your immediate needs (food/shelter/better health), and slowing down allowed all of those emotions I was holding inside all year to surface. I have been transmuting all of this the best way I can, and it feels like such a slow process. I keep telling myself “you can’t rush your healing”. I love this quote from msw jake

When we’re used to having high levels of stress hormones running through our body, sometimes the absence of stress or anxiety creates unease. When we’re used to being in fight/flight mode on a chronic basis, relaxation might feel unnatural and it might register as something to be feared or avoided.

Being in a state of chronic fight or flight means we’re less available to practice relaxation. Chronic stress keeps us outside of our relaxed state: safe and social, rest and digest mode. Kindness and compassion realign and recalibrate our nervous system by facilitating connection with ourselves and others. That’s why and how self-compassion, safe relationships and doing good for others are essential for healing and growth.

In January, I was able to see Dr. Patel, a neurosurgeon who specializes in Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. His office is down in Charleston, and the air down there brought me back home. The breeze from the ocean invigorated me and helped me find my center. My mom has been my driving companion, dropping whatever she has going on to help me get to the doctors I need to see. We easily journeyed back down to Charleston a couple of weeks ago with upright MRI’s in hand. It’s funny how the universe works, the doctor I had been hoping to see for almost two years ended up being only an hour and a half from where I was when this whole journey started. I journeyed across the country to find healing and answers (which I did receive much healing), only to find the right doctor was almost in my back yard.

Here’s the news: After looking over my MRI’s, I was told that yes, my c1 and c2 are unstable (cranial cervical instability), causing a lot of my neurological symptoms by pinching the base of my brain. He suspects occult tethered chord to be playing a role in the degradation of my legs, and saw an elongated styloid process which points to Eagle’s Syndrome.. This is the “bone” I have felt poking through my throat for the year. I am waiting for confirmation of Eagle’s and Tethered chord, but the course of action for my instability involves lots of physical therapy. In his opinion, if therapy doesn’t relieve the cervical instability symptoms, he is suggestion fusion surgery- which is the last resort.

The day before we left to Charleston, I easily signed up for BLUE CROSS BLUE SHIELD insurance in Alabama!!! The marketplace started offering plans this year, and it was an easy phone call to get exactly what I needed. Like I said, things are easily flowing into my field without the struggle of the past year. Anything involving Ehlers-Danlos is a long road that often feels overwhelming, but I am finding so much healing and better health along the way. I wont give up on the hope of living a vibrant life. I’m doing a lot to keep moving in that direction: I have been seeing an amazing Cranial Secrel Therapist here, I’ve been meeting with a Shaman for energy and spiritual healing work, have been talking with my talk therapist weekly, I have filled up 3 journals and am doing EMDR therapy work. Joe Dispenza’s book is providing me a lot of insight into how I can heal my own body, and as I release negativity I am finding lightness in body and spirit. Hope has been elusive, but as I look forward to the future I know I will find it again. I am looking at myself HARD in the mirror and being truthful about my own faults, my own negative core beliefs, and how I have played a role in the pain and shame I’ve held onto from my past. Forgiveness of myself, of others and of God is a core practice in my daily routine. I am allowing time for my body to really rest, and am slowly making beautiful friends here who share the same wavelength as I. I haven’t had much routine this past year, and am trying hard to build a new one that will help me keep moving forward and feel purposeful.

My eyes are working well enough to be behind my camera again, and I’m slowly building a new foundation for myself that is able to be constructed at it’s own pace without needing it for survival. I hope to start shooting one-hour connection sessions, and as I start to feel alive in my craft I know that part of “me” that I miss will come back to life. I have big dreams for my future, and I feel so grateful to have this easy time and place to slowly build towards those dreams.

Old friends have made their way into my life, and as I share with them the story of the past 15 years, I am given the opportunity to speak my truth. In hearing it all out loud, I am shown what part of my journey and life I still need to heal..covering it in love and not shame and guilt. I realize that not everyone can stomach the depths of the waters I have waded through, and am learning how to be vulnerable without sharing it all.. I am learning how to tell the bones of the story, and am so proud of myself for the light I have been able to hold onto in some of the darkest hours of my life.

Sweet ladies from my family’s church threw me a house warming party a couple of weeks ago, and the love from their hearts filled me up to overflowing. I am welcomed back home, and see that my fear was my own fear of rejection, feeling as if I was too broken to be loved. I’ve welcomed in a sweet roomate, and am excited to see who else will come into my home. I’m tired of living alone. My aqua van is parked in my driveway, and I visit her once a week. I am hopeful that I will be strong enough to adventure in her like I have dreamed, and am sure I will find the perfect travel companion for those adventures. I still dream of traveling around the US and speaking with groups of people who have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, and then connecting with individuals through my camera. I want others to be seen and loved, to know they are beautiful and aren’t broken..but I have had to find this truth within myself so I can share it with others. I want to raise awareness through the photographs and tell their stories of strength while not ignoring the reality of the pain this all causes. I want to bloom again, I want to rise up into the light and live the life of my dreams while taking care of my body and giving her what she needs to heal. And, guess what? I AM HEALING! I AM getting better..and I have hope that it’s just going to go uphill from here. Maybe soon I will find that vibrant, smiling and laughing Meghan again, the darkness is lifting and I see a little light at the end of the tunnel.

Awakening

Your eyes saw through glass

Too fragile to hold

A divine collision

The force stronger than any known love

Blended the entirety of my universe with yours

Jus seconds, the memory vibrated

Looking up,

The reflection in the mirror is ours.

Awakened at last

From Dreams

Ode To The Butterfly

Sitting in meditation, in that peaceful and sacred space, I allow the wisdom and abundance of the earth to come up and build a caccoon around my entire body. Mother earth holds the darkness of the pain I have carried, and transforms it into a protective light-filled growth strengthening all of the webbing of fascia that holds my delicate body together. As it grows around me, I see flowers blooming at every chakra and opening up to divine light at the top of my head. I feel my wings growing inside this protective shell, not yet ready to be seen by the outside world. Patience is a virtue I am learning, and as I shed the layers of skin that protected me from harm I often get frustrated at the slow process of this transformation. I want my wings to expand so I can fly and find that joy of freedom that comes when you dance to your own sacred rhythm, I long to fly alongside my soul-friends.

Sitting there, I imagine what my wings will look like and where they will take me.. often seeing myself souring in health and beauty-jumping from flower to flower to spread their life across the universe. In my haste to transform, I am reminded of the journey of the caterpillar. I am reminded that after death there is always rebirth, but the rebirth process is long and hard for this creature. She innately knows that she must protect herself and hide from the outside world as everything she once was dissolves inside that protective shell. She must become a new creature. Her skin and her way of being completely changes as she becomes a different creature she doesn’t even recognize. Her mind and her body must be rewired to fly.

One of my limiting beliefs I am overcoming is that someone else must save me from the pain of my heart and mind. I often wish that someone would come along and cut this protective shell and show me how to fly.. that I don’t have the wisdom stored within my own cells for this painful transformation and awakening to beauty. Then I remember the butterfly. What if I was walking through the woods and saw a beautiful cocoon shaking, knowing that the creature inside of it wanted to be free? What if I cut the bottom of that protective coffin to set the butterfly free? Do you know what would happen? The butterfly would fall to the ground and die. Why? Because the painful and hard process of breaking out of that shell is vital to her survival- it strengthens her wings to fly.. and if she is released before she is ready, her wings will be too delicate and not strong enough to give her the ease of gliding in the breeze.

So it is with us. This process of transformation, of waking up to your highest calling and most beautiful self ,often comes with deep pain and sorrow and struggle. The quake of leaving who you were behind and re-wiring your mind and heart and body to open up to your highest calling and the power of unconditional loves requires you to surrender everything you were and step into the unknown. Into a completely different vibrational state of being- into surrendering to unconditional love and beauty. In this transformation our bodies often more rest and more love than they have ever been given before.. and that love is a love that comes from above and something you must give to your own heart. No one else can transform for you, you must do it for yourself.. and what I’m learning is that we hold the key to that wisdom inside of our souls. I think that’s why the dark night of the soul is so dark, you are taken into all of your fears and limitations to face them head on and heal so that you can show others that healing is possible. Transformation is a slow process.. winter always comes and kills off the plants so that they can rebirth.. and after that death spring ALWAYS comes. This is the law of the universe. This is resurrection.

I must trust that I will fly again, and that the dark night of the soul comes in as we transform.. shedding all of the layers of pain and fear and limiting beliefs that no longer serve your highest good. As you strip yourself of these you will be filled with a blanket of nothing-ness so you can fill yourself up with the light and love and hope that will lighten your load and allow you to fly. If a tiny little creature like a catepillar holds this wisdom of transformation and rebirth, if the flowers always know how to bloom out of the earth, if the plants we eat know that they must have their protective shell around them as the new life springs forth.. then how much more wisdom do us as humans hold?

Well, Yeah! Field Trip!

Have you ever felt like you were standing in the middle of your own dream? Have you ever stepped into a world where you found missing pieces to your own heart? Exactly three years ago I walked into the arms of a beautiful family, one I had been searching for my entire life. I want to tell you the story of how an event called Field Trip completely changed my life and propelled me into more clarity, love and healing than I ever thought possible.

It was Christmas, four months after I left an unhealthy marriage. I had lost alot of myself in the isolation of my relationship, and for the first time in my adult life I started to make healthy decisions for myself. I remember what the impulse to buy a ticket to Field Trip felt like, it was my heart talking to me again and I listened. It felt good. For several years I would watch photos of photographers spill through instagram creating and laughing and dancing at this creative photography event called Field Trip. It hurt to see their photos come across my screen, because I wanted so badly to be there, to be with those beautiful people. My ex had a lot of control over my decisions in our marriage, and year after year I would voice my desire to join in that community but was always told “there’s no way I am going to let you spend money on something like that”, and “your not good enough to be friends with those people” and “what makes you think that you would be friends with those people.” While those nasty words still clung to my heart, I bypassed them and opted for courage instead of fear. I ignored those lies and in 20 minutes I bought my ticket to Field Trip (without knowing a single soul), and rented a camper van to adventure in after field trip was over.

I ran up stairs to tell my parents, and I remember showing the website to my dad and him immediately saying “Meghan! these are your people! I’m SO HAPPY your doing this for yourself.” He was right, I had finally found my people.. but I had no idea what was in store for my soul.

It was my first time in California, the event venue had changed at the last minute from El Capitan Canyon to Arrowhead resort in the snow-filled mountains. Coming to Field Trip was a lot like going to summer camp, I hoped I would make a friend. When I got there, I wasn’t treated too kindly by the girls in my cabin, and I felt a lot like an unwelcomed outcast. I walked (more like hobbled) into a large area where everyone was gathered, and I was amazed at how the FT team pulled off changing the venue at the last minute- I asked the girl sitting across from me (who is now one of my best friends ) “HOW IN THE WORLD did they do this?!” her reply was “ man, I don’t know how Whit does it but it’s pretty incredible isn’t it?”. I had no idea how incredible the community I had just stepped into actually was, but I’d get to see it first hand.

(disclaimer: I totally wrote a kick ass post, and then DELETED ALL OF IT. So, this is round two- second time’s a charm?)

Every time I met someone new, they felt like family.. like long lost friends I had been searching for my whole life, each new smile and open heart was a divine collision. This is when you know you are right where you need to be- you followed your soul. Cue day two of Field Trip and I am on my way to a class, but my legs refused to work. I was facing my limitations, and wished so badly that I could participate in the way my heart longed to. I dusted off a snow-filled curb and waiting for a golf cart to come by and give me a ride, holding back tears. A cloud of people walked in front of me, he looked down and asked if I was ok. I shrugged, just waiting for a golf cart to take me to class.

He kept walking, but suddenly stopped in his tracks and came back around to face me. Looking in my eyes, he asked if I was really ok? How can you recognize someone you have never known? Were these my own eyes I was seeing, a reflection of my own inner self? The bother, the friend, the opposite and the same, my heart opening beyond my understanding.. was I standing in the middle of a dream? Was I awake or asleep? It all came crashing in. How long has it been since he asked? Stunned, I quickly responded and said it’s getting worse. He immediately picked up his walkie talkie, still looking directly at me on the frozen curb. Without skipping a beat, a golf cart speedily appeared. The blue eyes didn’t leave my gaze and I was gently whisked to my feet and carried me to the cart, where I was flooded with emotions and sadness “it’s getting worse, it’s getting worse, it’s getting worse.” The driver waited until I was more composed and both him and the man in the blue coat carried me into a room full of photographers and artists I admired. He gave me a walkie talkie and a key to a golf cart, telling me it was mine for the weekend and if I needed anything just contact him on the walkie.

During this season of my life, I had a lot of shame associated around my body and people seeing me as fragile or broken, I couldn’t cover up my pain and I could feel every eye in the room was on me. I crawled to a back room where I laid in the floor holding myself and weeping, releasing some wall that I had built up for protection. Wiping my tears, I walked outside and was met by three people waiting for me with bottles of water. Anything we can do to make your time here good, please let us know. I felt so cared for, who were these magical creatures?

the only photo I took at field trip that year

Growing up with 4 wheelers, I loved the fun the golf cart brought and was so grateful to be able to participate and learn. My creativity was reawakened that weekend, and I felt growth from the inside of my heart as the ideas and connections and inspiration shook me back to myself. The cold air was uncomforatable, but I felt alive as I went to help paint a barn with a group of people. The man in the blue jacket was right in front of me as I pulled up, laughing at my speed on the golf cart.

“I have to tell you something” he said without skipping a beat .

“okkkkk what’s up?” My eyes were smiling, and his were too.

“Are you sure your okay with my friend (golf cart chauffeur) being here too? Are you ok with him hearing this?”

“ummmm what are you going to tell me? I mean, sure! I don’t care” My spirit and heart felt free.

“ You are my soul mate. My woman and I have been having dreams about you, the way you walk for along time now. It’s you.” He said this with absolute confidence. How was he so sure? This guy didn’t know me, and it sounds like he’s got a girlfriend sooo..

Whenever I am in the energy of the two of us, I become playful almost like a child. Giggles burst out and I am able to speak with confidence. It’s a safe space. “ HA! I’m not your soul mate! You don’t know me.. I mean, I know a lot of people. “ Meghan says with such confidence, but her heart knew what her mind had not yet comprehended. Why are you so defensive? Why won’t you open?

“ Dude, he knows a lot of people, too. He knows what he’s talking about.” Our little friend chimed in.

I started to shiver, he noticed and laughed as he pointed me to go back inside. Stunned, confused with what I had just experienced and shielding my heart I sped away in the cart. I found a comfortable couch at the back of the main room, where I spent most of my time at my first Field Trip. I’d sit in the back and watch all of the beautiful souls interact, I watched as this creative soul community welcomed me into their family. Here, on this couch, I witnessed artists creating and imagining together.. the first time I’d ever seen this kind of community. It was like everything I have always wanted and how I have envisioned the church to evolve into. It’s the artists and creatives who are shining such a bright light on love, in ways people can touch. On this couch I made friends, and would have many profound and beautiful conversations. As I walked the halls with my forged cane, I was stopped by people who would tell me how beautiful and full of light I was. Who? Me? Can you not see this cane? Healers would stop me and tell me they knew they were present there to help me heal. Could they? Of course.

Lazers and Blazers is the best dress up dance party you will ever attend, but what happens when you cant dance? When you long to let your body move, but the pain is too much? Well, my now-best-friend Mollie found a solution and didn’t skip a beat. She took a trashcan off of a wheel platform, tied a rope to the wheels and set me on it.. she’d spend the next hour wheeling me around the dance floor. I hadn’t had fun like that in so many years, and tears of joy flooded my face as we danced. Then she hotwired the golf cart to whisk me off to bed.

Perched on my couch, the energy in the room was magnetic as we all entered into a mass meditation led by Biet. This was my first meditation experience, and it profoundly impacted me, waking me up to more of myself. He didn’t skip a beat, as soon as it ended rushed to my little couch and sat beside me,

“I love you. I love you. I love you. Please don’t forget this. I looked into your eyes the whole time, sending you unconditional love. Who are you? Where are you from? I can train you! I once taught a blind woman to take photos, and now she has a great business. Will you tell us where you came from? There’s a safe room where you can share, my woman is already there waiting.” I remember laughing, that giddy laugh like a kid who is innocent and free. He was determined, and I had never had anyone see me and want to know me and my path like this. Would I be brave enough to be vulnerable? I knew I had to, everything inside of me and everything that weekend opened me up to bravery.

She was waiting for me, with love in her eyes. I told her she had the same name as my best friend growing up, and she laughed and said “of course you did.” In the quiet of the room, all 6 of us gathered on the floor and the air felt sacred. The man with the blue eyes and the blue coat jumped off the bed and said “this feels just like the OA!” I agreed, we all agreed. Three years have passed since this, so I’m not entirely clear on what spilled out of my heart and mouth that night. I know it was a lot of medical and a lot of shame and brokenness I was holding in that space. I was still very traumatized from the past 7 years, and had never been seen in such a safe and loving light before. Maybe what I was saying was how unworthy of love I was, tears spilling down my face. As soon as I got to my marriage, I clammed shut, too scared to speak out loud of what had happened during those years because I was so afraid I’d be found out by my ex. I had kept my mouth shut for so long, I didn’t yet have language for the damage that was done to my heart and soul. As I ended, shame starting to sink in with all the vulnerability, I looked across at a tear-streaked face of a kind and tender man. His arms were outstretched, asking me to come close. I looked up at her, almost as if checking “is this safe?”, she nodded and I crawled into his lap, allowing myself to be enveloped by a hug I’d spend the next 3 years remembering. He kept saying “you are home. you’ve made it. you are safe now.” I knew this was true because I felt it in every inch of my body. Before I left, I said “I’ve never seen anything like this community and beauty before. You are all going to change the world.” I needed to get out of there, and he picked me up and carried me down the stairs. Such a familiar voice as it gently asked me if the man I was dating would carry me down the stairs? And where are you going after this? I told him I had rented a camper van, he laughed and said “of course. Be Safe.” And that would be the last time we would talk for almost a year, and in that following year I would walk through a beautiful creative and spiritual opening while also journeying through trauma so intensely beautiful and scary, it would change my life forever.

Rapid Transformational Therapy

Rapid transformational therapy has played a huge role in my own healing and transformation. It’s a big term for a type of hypnotherapy that will help you quickly overcome blocks and fears, negative belief patterns (one for me is that I am fundamentally broken and unworthy of love- lots of shame), and reprogram those neural pathways.

I first learned about this on Jessica Lively’s podcast .This is a 14 minute hypnosis she has recorded that will allow you to set your emotional tone for your day by remembering a feeling (and the memory associated with that feeling).. you will set your body and mind to access this positive emotion all day long, overwriting any negativity that comes into your field.

Take it from me, this works and is a tool
I use almost every morning after my breathing and meditation. I started using this about two years ago, and, as you can see from my life, it really really works.

Would love to hear about your experience if you choose to use this tool too! I love sharing with you tools I am using to heal...my main goal in life is to be of service to help aid your own healing and bring more light,joy and love into this world

Listen To Her 14 minute Hypnosis to Start Your Day on The Right Path Emotionally Here

November Miracle For Meg Update

Hello dear friends, I think it’s about high time for an update on Meg’s status. So, here we go. You all have believed in me and supported me in my seemingly impossible quest for insurance, healthcare and a better quality of life. I literally wouldn’t be alive today and writing this if it wasn’t for the food you sent, the calls you made when I was ready to call life quits, for your financial support, physical support and continued encouragement. You have given me the gift of love and light when my path has been darkest..helping me hold onto hope when hope has been evasive and fear overwhelming.

To be honest, I would have never boldly set out on this journey or I knew what was in store. My body reached heights of pain I never knew existed, and I faced some of the loneliest and scariest days of my life. I stared my biggest fears square in the eyes because I have been so hard headed and set on living a full life.. and frankly unwilling to stay sick and tired and unable to function. I have faced more trauma this year than I care to recount. In the same breath, angels have scattered my path and have shown me love, radiance and tenderness when I have had nothing to give in return except a traumatized spirit and crazy body. 
In October I moved into a house on Hill street in Pasadena with the most loving family @reddogcowgirl And @hal3yjanetzke . While I was there, I drove my aqua van to Upland to see the amazing @healedandempowered(Thank you @jennreno ). She sent me on my way to @cedarssinai hospital for cerebral spinal leak testing and a ketamine infusion, and served as the most empowering advocate for me at every turn with every physician I encountered. By far the easiest and most Plesant hospital experience I have ever had, besides Mayo. There’s no way I would have been able to spend a week in the hospital if it had not been for @reddogcowgirl loving me and the dogs so much and giving me a safe space to call home. As I have been learning to recognize and release my emotions, I have allowed intense welling tears of gratitude rise up in me as doors have easily opened and I have been given deep assurance that the darkest days are behind me.

While the hospital stay proved to be less beneficial and diagnostic than my optimistic mind would have hoped, I do have SOME better understanding and direction as I continue to navigate testing and healthcare with the help of my primary doctor Chai and @healedandempowered . I feel so happy to say that I am much more stable than I have been over the past year thanks to getting my Mass cell activation shit more under control, the ketamine infusion and the CSF patch I was given. 

Unfortunately, a couple of weeks ago my housing was pulled out from under me because of my dogs (whom I’m just not at a place to part with), and I came to the stark realization that I am not yet strong enough to survive / thrive AND continue this healing journey on my own in LA without support and the stability home has to offer. The sun has proven to be a major problem for my sensory system these days, which proves to make things much more difficult than you can imagine. After re-examining my forward path and treatment options, and having blue shield insurance in my pocket, I decided that it would be best for me to spend this season closer to the support of my family in Alabama. After finishing up a housing flip this past month, my parents are SO KIND to offer a home for us in downtown Decatur while I continue this healing journey. This home will provide the safety, comfort, quietness, security and foundation I need to build my body and soul back up again to find stability as I embark down every pathway healing has to offer.

To be honest, I am heartbroken California hasn’t been the place I hoped it would be this time around, but it gave me exactly what I needed: insurance, direction in my healthcare, some physical stability and really beautiful connections. I am grateful for the smack in the face city life gave me as it settled my optimism into reality. Hell, my segway even got stolen! Meghan often has expectations of how things should play out and how quickly healing should happen (hello firey Aries sun!), and I often forget to look up to see the larger picture time provides when I am face deep in survival mode.

This past year I have had my eyes on the prize: health insurance and a medical team and healers to help my body heal..while I have been in fight or flight survival mode to meet my basic needs of shelter and food. This has left me short-sited and unable to see or process anything that isn’t directly in front of me-living life surviving one day at a time. I have taught myself (thanks to the help of @santinagiordano and @divinesouljourney ) to change the fear that arises in my heart into trust and love, to surrender my hopes and expectations of how my needs and healing should be met. I have seen The divine give me exactly what I need when I release control of how I want it to manifest, and then things start to flow in easily and beautifully. It is my hope and prayer that I can continue to build upon all the internal healing I have found this year, and that beauty and vitality will flow into every corner of my being so I can overflow and share it with others. I am looking forward to finally having space to catch my breath and heal more from the traumas the past 3 years have thrown my way.. hopefully leaving this physical survival mode I have been living in for so long behind me. 

There is much more I could, and will say, but for now I just want to offer my deepest gratitude. It’s been extremely hard for me to be so vulnerable with my physical health in this process and ask for so.much.help at every turn. I am grateful for the safety I was given on this journey. Grateful for beautiful people who opened their homes to me and the dogs, for those of you who ordered me food,paid for my hotel, for the Hillburn family who took me in on their orchard, for @skye_ashley who FaceTimed me when I was about to literally jump off a cliff, for all the beautiful souls I met in Los Angeles, my cousin @kirkaveritt and friend @kimberlypparker who loved me and grounded me. Beyond grateful for each contribution in my go fund me campaign. Grateful my sweet puppies survived the trip, and for the insurance I now have. For the bravery I had to visit new doctors and @jennreno, @mahlie, @billfromintonever & @wild_west_hair for transport.

Perfecting The Art Of Failing/ February 8, 2017

This one was written 5 months after I left my marriage back in September 2016. What reawakened me to myself ? Art. And even if my project didn’t go as planned, I can look back and see THE POWER of art and how this “failed” project (is anything really a failure?) gave me SO MUCH.

“In art, either as creators or participators, we are helped to remember some of the glorious things we have forgotten, and some of the terrible things we were asked to endure...”

- Madeline L'Engle from "Walking on Water"

Some of you may recall my 100 Day Project I started last September (2016). If you weren't around, the gist is that you spend 100 days creating. I chose to create art from different mediums I enjoyed.. namely my photographs. My hope was to be able to journal my journey with chronic pain and Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome through art. To tell the story of the invisible, and to stretch msyelf as an artist. 

On that same note, you might also recall me totally not finishing that very same 100 day project.I made it all the way to day twenty and then some major changes happened. I unintentionally quit the project, and simultaneously excused myself from social media for following four months. Where did the project go? No one knew, including myself.  

Twenty days into the project I unintentionally quit creating. It was one of my first big public failures. I had announced that I was going to start this project and in so was holding myself accountable by the "public eye". 

Those twenty days were perhaps the twenty most creative and soul-changing days I have experienced in my adult life. While I will admit that I failed at my initial goal of creating art for 100 days, I succeeded in allowing my spirit to find parts of itself during that process of creating art daily. It reawakened me to myself and to the creative flow that wants to be birthed through art.

It's been five months since those twenty days, and I can finally admit out loud that I failed. And, also, not feel like I have to excuse or defend myself for said failure. 

Making art changes you. I don't believe that anything I created during those twenty days were necessarily life-changing works of art from a critic's (or even viewer's) standpoint. The important thing about those works created were the things the process of creating was stirring within me. One of my favorite authors, Madeline L'Engle wrote a beautiful book titled, "Walking on Water", that says it so well..  

“When the work takes over, then the artist is enabled to get out of the way, not to interfere. When the work takes over, then the artist listens.”

I was not creating the art to be changed. I was creating the art to change my craft and the perception of invisible illnesses. I had hoped to learn to work within different mediums, and to combine some of my favorite creative disciplines during the 100 days of creating. While that may have happened in a sense, the growing actually happened WITIHIN me..not in my finished pieces. Maybe that "growing" was more like a re-birth? A re-awakening? Coming home to myself again. Yes. 

I quit my project because I rose up and left my abusive marriage in September, shattering so many things in my life to rebirth them.

“The discipline of creation, be it to paint, compose, write, is an effort towards wholeness.” 

While I may have not learned how to use oil paint like I would have liked, I DID learn how to fail. Through this whole process I failed super-duper hard. Some failings were seen by the public eye (like not finishing my 100 day project and having to ask for help in ways that were pretty damn humbling) , and some were privately and quietly. I disappeared from social media for four months because the failure was so huge for me. Being a first-born and type-a and perfectionist makes it even harder to admit failure. I EXPECTED to finish this 100 day project.

And now, I realize that it's even better if I admit my failures and accept myself for them. I allow myself to say, "hey, I didn't finish and that's ok! the project served the purpose it was meant to serve and I am grateful for that." Its ok to fail. It is ok to admit failure out loud. It's embarrassing, and sometimes soul-crushing and most of the time it hurts like hell. The important thing is that we can admit our failure, learn from our mistakes and pick ourselves up and try again.

I'm learning and looking to find my voice this year. To share more stories. It is going to be a slow and possibly painful process as my stories are birthed and written poorly. But, it is my hope that it is a beautiful process. I'll most likely fail at times, and that's ok. I'll most likely start another 100 day project that risks failure again. I'll move forward set on my goal while trusting in the process of it all.

I  leave you with this beautiful manifesto by one of my favorite authors and researchers, Brene Brown.

“MANIFESTO OF THE BRAVE AND BROKENHEARTED

There is no greater threat to the critics and cynics and fearmongers

Than those of us who are willing to fall

Because we have learned how to rise

With skinned knees and bruised hearts;

We choose owning our stories of struggle,

Over hiding, over hustling, over pretending.

When we deny our stories, they define us.

When we run from struggle, we are never free.

So we turn toward truth and look it in the eye.

We will not be characters in our stories.

Not villains, not victims, not even heroes.

We are the authors of our lives.

We write our own daring endings.

We craft love from heartbreak, Compassion from shame, Grace from disappointment, Courage from failure.

Showing up is our power.

Story is our way home.

Truth is our song.

We are the brave and brokenhearted.

We are rising strong.”  

- Brene Brown

I love you legs

How often do we shame our bodies simply because we don’t like the view? I was around 5 when I started to be discontent with the shape and bruising of my legs. Coming from an extremely conservative background, modesty was a doctrine, and I was taught that if my body was “sexy” or “hot” I was causing my guy friends to sin. Shorts to your knees, body covered. .
My personality is prone to shame, and shame for my legs always hits me hard. In middle school, I started to get mad at my knees for always breaking, in high school I was pissed I had to give up sports because of my legs. They became uglier and uglier to me the more I resented them for the pain they caused me. Ugh I hated crutches.
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College came around and my legs prevented me from running (something I love to do), hiking became difficult in my early 20’s and over the past 12 years my legs have slowly deteriorated more and more and more until they just stopped. .

At 32, my legs are no longer on my body to serve me.. I am here to serve them. 24 hours are in a day, and my legs are a battle each and every hour- changing their mind every minute. The sensations I feel in my legs are like this: dragging through quicksand, my legs have been dipped in concrete and I carry that weight, a thousand ants biting my feet with every step I take, flames consuming me while Uncontrollably itching- wishing I could just shed my skin. My knees hyperextend and hurt more daily, meniscuss need to be repaired, aching and muscle spasms, electricity, that feeling when your legs are waking up- I have that ALL the time from my knees down, sometimes people touch my legs and my whole body spasms, they like to jerk and dance at night.. they keep me on (ha or off!) my toes.
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At 32 I love my legs. I have moved past the shame I felt for wearing compression socks, my bruising, the bracing I wear, the segway,the ugly way they drag.. I love this photo of my legs! Every day I tell them how strong they are, I thank them for what they CAN do, apologize for the former hate, I nurture them with cold water and give them compression and sit when they tell me to sit. I thank them for teaching me to slow down,love their shape and love the view.

Timeline

I realize I’m posting a bit nonsensical and out of order these days, I guess the writing comes as I process and there are countless stories to tell. I doubt many people are reading these anyways, so I’m just compiling all of this so I can one day turn it into a book.. which will flow smoother than these blog posts.

I honestly didn’t realize how triggering it would be to hash up details from my physical journey (which also happens to be a very emotional journey) and how everything has played out to get me to where I am today : sitting at my desk in Los Angeles, California with insurance in my wallet and the hope of a better tomorrow.

One of my amazing new Doctors and support team had me write out my medical history for him as well as different medications I’ve taken throughout my life. It was good for me to get it all down in timeline form, seeing how everything has built upon eachother, or rather disconnected at different times during the course of my 32 years. My journey is one shared by many of my friends with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. I consider myself lucky that I didn’t ever get stuck in the trap of taking ass-tons of medicine and the hope for diagnosis loop-hole that so many people with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome find themselves inside.

My genetecist told me that I was the “ perfect model for Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome” because my body has manifested all of the characteristic traits that are markers for Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. In my choice to embody the fullness of this journey I am choosing to share this timeline with you here, so that maybe someone will run across this and go “OMG ME TOO!!! THIS IS WHAT’S GOING ON WITH MY BODY TOO!!” and we can start to help one another connect the dots and find solutions for managing the deconstruction of our connective tissue.

It’s also crazy for me to see this laid out in timeline format, bringing back so many memories and so much trauma to my physical and emotional body throughout my life. There’s new research out that shows individuals with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome’s brains have an extremely hard time healing trauma pathways because our brain’s connective tissue cannot regenerate to reform new and healthy neural pathways. My medical history shows that Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome effect every system in the body, as it has and is still being played out in my own. I was told that my fragility made me weak and undesirable for a very long time, and I believed those words. Now, as I have reframed all of my wounds, I see how bad-ass and strong I am.. I see what a FIGHTER I am and how I have been so creative throughout the course of my short live to find ways to live a good life while also existing in constant non-stop pain. I got so many little tools up my sleeve and I can’t wait to share them all with you.

Dark Night of My Soul- 6/6/2013 with new forward

I am finding the healing that is coming by revisiting the old stories I wrote during my journey through dark nights. I am finding the connection in it all, and that the spirit has always been moving me and I have always been following.. it just looked much different than what everyone told me (and what I had ‘hoped’) my life would look like. The death of the ego is dark and cold, but I can see that I have always had the strength inside of me to rise above and answer my heart, my dreams.. and ultimately love over fear.

The ‘GOD’ I reference in this post no longer holds true for my ideology. Re-reading, it feels so limiting and so closed minded for what I now know exists and moves through us all. I have found myself calling her/him/force ‘god’ lately because I do not feel I have any other terminology- maybe spirit, but even that seems limiting. The word ‘GOD’ triggers within me old constructs that no longer serve my highest good or the highest good of humanity, and it causes a semi-aversion. I say that to say, I hope in reading this you can hear the love in my heart and the longing for something greater than myself and the faith in the spirit inside and not be triggered by the closed-mindedness of the word “God” due to past conditioning.

So, I’m reposting some of these old blog posts so that myself, and whomever reads this can see how a heart and life can be transformed so drastically through grace. These old words are the words of a heart and soul that is being transformed. I will sing to you my new song, but actually it’s the song that has been inside of me since I was a little girl.. I have just learned how to unlock it and sing it clearly, without fear and through the lens of love (but I’d like to think that’s how I always operated?)

The following post was written on 6/6/2013

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Over the past 5 years my life has been turned upside down. In the span of five years, I have had two jaw surgeries (one of them being a facial reconstructive surgery), a knee surgery, have had my thyroid removed (thus sending me into hypothyroidism), got diagnosed with Celiac Disease & intolerances to dairy and eggs, battle migraines, moved across the country and then back again, got married, lost two pregnancies, battle with endometriosis and have had surgery to remove some the polyps, been diagnosed with Ehlers-Danlos and fibromyalgia (chronic pain & fatigue), and   have had chronic sinus infections and a surgery to help those.. and have been in and out of depression. 

And somewhere in the middle of all of that crazy, He became silent. I don't know if it was something that happened all at once, or if it was more gradual.. I just know that I could no longer feel Him and see Him working like I needed. A mentor of mine gently told me that I was experiencing what some would call "The Dark Night of The Soul". 

I would spend hours crying out to God, begging for healing..begging to hear His voice, but all I would hear was silence. I would sit in the shower as the hot water poured over me, holding my head with my tears silenced and hidden by my wet hair asking why He had left me. With my body in so much physical pain, I knew the only thing that could sustain me could be His companionship, and His presence. But for two years those things were completely absent from me. It was like walking through a desert blindfolded, yearning for water to quench my thirst yet finding none.

But even in the silence and in His absence and in my pain I proclaimed His goodness. I don't claim to know answers to life's hard questions, but I did know that even in sorrow and pain God is ultimately good. I was reminded again and again of the story of Daniel crying out for deliverance and God sent an angel right away.. but the angel didn't reach Daniel until much later. Daniel was mad wondering why he hadn't reached him sooner. And the angel said he was battling spirits in the heavenly realms, taking care of things that were greater and more urgent. I was reminded over and over again that even though God hadn't responded He may have sent his angels to guard me, but then were tending to things larger than anything I could comprehend. And I held tight onto that story, knowing that God DID hear me. 

My spirit relished and sought refuge in the prayers of my brothers and sisters. I can honestly say that during the darkest days, they interceded on my behalf and prayed for me when I could not longer find words to pray myself. 

Late one night my husband and I went to a tattoo parlor in downtown Nashville and got the words, " Jehovah Rapha" tattooed onto our arms. Because we needed to be reminded everyday that GOD IS HEALER. That He can heal, and that even if he chooses not to heal my body, we will rejoice and proclaim His Goodness. Daily I see those words and thank God for who He is. I thank Him for caring so much about my spirit that He hasn't chosen to heal all my physical ailments. I know he uses them to mold me and bring me into surrender every day to His purpose. I know that He is more concerned about the state of our spirits and souls than He is our physical bodies. 

I do not think I "feel" the presence of God like I did before I entered into the dark night. I do not know if I will ever "feel" Him like I did before I have walked through the valley. But I do know that I can see Him at work again. My constant prayer through my journey has been that He will be seen through me. 

In January I was sitting with a friend, and she started to cry as she told me that she could feel the presence of Jesus radiating from my body. That she knew our time together was Holy and that even if I couldn't feel Him changing me or Him working through me that HE WAS. There has been nothing more sacred to me than those words that she spoke into my life. 

Over the past couple of months I have started to emerge out of the dark night. I have seen God's workings so evidently in my life.. the way He has brought people into my life to encourage me, the way He has used my story to encourage others, He has opened doors for Doctors appointments, and has allowed me to pursue my passions like I never imagined possible. My faith is not what it was before I entered into this time of surrendering, but it is so much more. I no longer trust in God because of what He can do for me, but simply for who He is. In the pain and the suffering and the sadness and loss He Is Good. And I can say that will full confidence after losing every part of myself that I held so dear, and losing life that He formed inside of me. 

We live in such a fallen world, and I am forever longing for the day when He makes all things new. I long for the day where there will be no pain and no suffering, no sadness and no death. Through the heartache and the loss I can catch glimpses of Heaven like I never could before, and I feel delight when I think about the day I will be able to hold my babies in my arms for the first time. 

"I waited patiently for the LORD;

He inclined to me and heard my cry. 

He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, 

and set my feet upon a rock.

He put a new song in my mouth, 

a song of praise to our God."

-Psalm 40

Intimate Patience from 1/15/2014

A few weeks ago I remembered how to access all of my old posts from the blog I wrote for several years. It has been beautiful for me to go back and read some of the things that I wrote.. to see how I have transformed and to see how beautiful my perspective was during the darkest 7 years of my life. To see how flowers are blooming from that time of grief in my life.

We will only wait on Him with joy if we have deep confidence in His love for us. - David Timms 

This waiting. This intimate patience and battle with the Lord has left me ragged and undone at times. Waiting for Him to speak again, waiting for Him to make clear a purpose again. Waiting for the sun to rise again over one extremely dark (but albeit beautiful) night. 

Waiting for answers unknown, waiting for money that isn't there, waiting for peace and direction when the once clear path has been overtaken by fog. 

As I was reading through the second section of  Your Beautiful Purpose, I was reminded again how hard this process of waiting and patience has been. I love this section where she quotes "Streams In The Desert":

" Waiting is much more difficult than walking, for waiting requires patience, and patience is a rare virtue. We only enjoy knowing that God builds hedges around His people, when we look at the hedge from the aspect of protection. But when we see it growing higher and higher until we can no longer see over it, we wonder if we will ever get out of our little sphere of influence and service where we feel trapped. Sometimes it is hard for us to understand why we do not have a larger area of service, and it becomes difficult for us to ' brighten the corner' where we are. But God has a purpose in all of His delays. ' The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD." 

I am reminded that where I am has it's purpose, even in the dark and in the place where I never thought I would have to reside. Even when my sphere of influence seems so small, and God seems so distant. 

I was send an e mail this past week by a sweet reader who has now become a precious friend. She sent me a passage from "One Thousand Gifts", which I read long ago, and at the time this particular passage didn't strike me as much as it did now. As I have been processing through this season of waiting and patience, I have also been processing through this season of Darkness.. waiting on the Lord to show himself and wondering why He hasn't. Anne Describes this so beautifully: 

"When my glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with my hand until you have passed by.  Then I will remove my hand and you will see my back. (Exodus 33:22-23)

"Is that it? (says Anne)  When it gets dark, it's only because God has tucked me in a cleft of the rock and covered me, protected, with His hand?  In the pitch, I feel like I'm falling, sense the bridge giving way, God long absent.  In the dark, the bridge and our lives shake not because God has abandoned, but the exact opposite: God is passing by.  God is in the tremors.  Dark is the holiest ground, the glory passing by. In the blackest, God is closest, at work, forging His perfect and right will."

So maybe He isn't as absent as I think He is. Maybe He is hovering over me, protecting me and teaching me to trust in His perfect timing.. teaching me this intimate dance of patience with Him. 

Miracle For Meg Update / Life Update

Urgent : Miracle For Meg Update :

hello friends! I think it’s about time for an update on where things are with me in my daily life and health, right? I am also going to put out an urgent call for help, asking for specific task-oriented assistance from you if you are willing and able.

I left Savannah mid- April with one goal in mind : Getting out to California to get healthcare as soon as I could.I chose Van life because I am unable to fly, I cannot move myself across the country and I am completely alone, small spaces are easier for me to manage. A van gave me a safe, small and affordable passage to better health. Plus it’s my dream.

Van life sounds great unless you have a connective tissue disorder that leaves you in a chronic state of trauma from the horrible situations my body places me inside, with uncertainty about my ability to care for myself or my dogs. will I be able to see? Can I hold my neck up? Will I be able to navigate? Can I empty my tank? What happens when I have a MASS CELL ATTACK? Any set back in stay or help was more than my body could handle- shifting plans in my state is not easy, overnight stays cancelling and drivers cancelling really made things difficult. My eyes made it impossible to drive more than an hour at a time… Which is why I ended up at Walmart outside of Dollywood for a week.

While I do not yet have the words to describe the depths of leaving it all behind and moving into a van forging into the unknown alone.. and then finding a a 62 year old man named Stepping Wolf off the AT who drove us from Tennessee to California in 2 weeks….I will say I safely landed in California much sooner than I anticipated… and my body is in much worse condition that I would have hoped.

A little less than a week after landing at @whitneykentchamberlin ’s I braved up took an uber to the ER where I met @jennreno in hopes to get some answers. Doors were opened and I was able to get TWO MRI’S of my spine and brain AND a brain CT ! However, doctors were much more overwhelmed with my condition than I thought, tests were initially inconclusive , and I left as empty handed as I had come.. in an uber. alone. Thankfully there are beautiful healers in Highland Park, and I was able to stabilize a little through acupuncture and Cranial Secral Therapy with @santina

I woke up the morning after the ER and I found out that BCBS never got my initial payment in May, so I actually don’t have insurance in California…yet. This was two weeks ago when I was told it would only take 5 days to “rush retroactive the policy” so I could make it to my neurosurgeon appointment… which never happened because I am without insurance.

Since then I have had to move back into the van, and again I have found that gypsy van life is actually extremely dangerous for my body in it’s current condition. My body requires a safe, steady, sensory controlled environment to function properly, and I realize that without that I find myself in a constant state of fight-or-flight. Navigating my healthcare is a full time secretarial-detective-connection-seeking-appointment setting job that requires a lot of time in front of the computer and on the phone- two things that are extremely hard for me to do in my current condition. Most of my days are spent regulating the pain in my body.

My little family and I are currently sitting in a motel 6 ( thank you @thegrandshellgame and dad), van parked in the handicapped spot, groceries in the floor that have been ordered by dear friends… and me fighting for my life (both physically and mentally lets be honest here).

Today my brain worked well enough for me to make a very clear and detailed list of tasks and actions in which I need specific help. So many of you have asked how you can help, and I am clear enough and organized enough now that I can give out specific things with specific perimeters. Things like : researching and applying for disability for me in california , finding a foster home in southern california for dakota, filling out and sending medical release forms, calling specific doctors and making appointments, finding us a place to live… you get the picture.

So, if your in a position where you can help please message me or text me, please. I am literally getting by with the help of my friends and the Ehlers-Danlos Community and I could not be more grateful to you for picking me up from the bottom over and over again.