Well, Yeah! Field Trip!

Have you ever felt like you were standing in the middle of your own dream? Have you ever stepped into a world where you found missing pieces to your own heart? Exactly three years ago I walked into the arms of a beautiful family, one I had been searching for my entire life. I want to tell you the story of how an event called Field Trip completely changed my life and propelled me into more clarity, love and healing than I ever thought possible.

It was Christmas, four months after I left an unhealthy marriage. I had lost alot of myself in the isolation of my relationship, and for the first time in my adult life I started to make healthy decisions for myself. I remember what the impulse to buy a ticket to Field Trip felt like, it was my heart talking to me again and I listened. It felt good. For several years I would watch photos of photographers spill through instagram creating and laughing and dancing at this creative photography event called Field Trip. It hurt to see their photos come across my screen, because I wanted so badly to be there, to be with those beautiful people. My ex had a lot of control over my decisions in our marriage, and year after year I would voice my desire to join in that community but was always told “there’s no way I am going to let you spend money on something like that”, and “your not good enough to be friends with those people” and “what makes you think that you would be friends with those people.” While those nasty words still clung to my heart, I bypassed them and opted for courage instead of fear. I ignored those lies and in 20 minutes I bought my ticket to Field Trip (without knowing a single soul), and rented a camper van to adventure in after field trip was over.

I ran up stairs to tell my parents, and I remember showing the website to my dad and him immediately saying “Meghan! these are your people! I’m SO HAPPY your doing this for yourself.” He was right, I had finally found my people.. but I had no idea what was in store for my soul.

It was my first time in California, the event venue had changed at the last minute from El Capitan Canyon to Arrowhead resort in the snow-filled mountains. Coming to Field Trip was a lot like going to summer camp, I hoped I would make a friend. When I got there, I wasn’t treated too kindly by the girls in my cabin, and I felt a lot like an unwelcomed outcast. I walked (more like hobbled) into a large area where everyone was gathered, and I was amazed at how the FT team pulled off changing the venue at the last minute- I asked the girl sitting across from me (who is now one of my best friends ) “HOW IN THE WORLD did they do this?!” her reply was “ man, I don’t know how Whit does it but it’s pretty incredible isn’t it?”. I had no idea how incredible the community I had just stepped into actually was, but I’d get to see it first hand.

(disclaimer: I totally wrote a kick ass post, and then DELETED ALL OF IT. So, this is round two- second time’s a charm?)

Every time I met someone new, they felt like family.. like long lost friends I had been searching for my whole life, each new smile and open heart was a divine collision. This is when you know you are right where you need to be- you followed your soul. Cue day two of Field Trip and I am on my way to a class, but my legs refused to work. I was facing my limitations, and wished so badly that I could participate in the way my heart longed to. I dusted off a snow-filled curb and waiting for a golf cart to come by and give me a ride, holding back tears. A cloud of people walked in front of me, he looked down and asked if I was ok. I shrugged, just waiting for a golf cart to take me to class.

He kept walking, but suddenly stopped in his tracks and came back around to face me. Looking in my eyes, he asked if I was really ok? How can you recognize someone you have never known? Were these my own eyes I was seeing, a reflection of my own inner self? The bother, the friend, the opposite and the same, my heart opening beyond my understanding.. was I standing in the middle of a dream? Was I awake or asleep? It all came crashing in. How long has it been since he asked? Stunned, I quickly responded and said it’s getting worse. He immediately picked up his walkie talkie, still looking directly at me on the frozen curb. Without skipping a beat, a golf cart speedily appeared. The blue eyes didn’t leave my gaze and I was gently whisked to my feet and carried me to the cart, where I was flooded with emotions and sadness “it’s getting worse, it’s getting worse, it’s getting worse.” The driver waited until I was more composed and both him and the man in the blue coat carried me into a room full of photographers and artists I admired. He gave me a walkie talkie and a key to a golf cart, telling me it was mine for the weekend and if I needed anything just contact him on the walkie.

During this season of my life, I had a lot of shame associated around my body and people seeing me as fragile or broken, I couldn’t cover up my pain and I could feel every eye in the room was on me. I crawled to a back room where I laid in the floor holding myself and weeping, releasing some wall that I had built up for protection. Wiping my tears, I walked outside and was met by three people waiting for me with bottles of water. Anything we can do to make your time here good, please let us know. I felt so cared for, who were these magical creatures?

the only photo I took at field trip that year

Growing up with 4 wheelers, I loved the fun the golf cart brought and was so grateful to be able to participate and learn. My creativity was reawakened that weekend, and I felt growth from the inside of my heart as the ideas and connections and inspiration shook me back to myself. The cold air was uncomforatable, but I felt alive as I went to help paint a barn with a group of people. The man in the blue jacket was right in front of me as I pulled up, laughing at my speed on the golf cart.

“I have to tell you something” he said without skipping a beat .

“okkkkk what’s up?” My eyes were smiling, and his were too.

“Are you sure your okay with my friend (golf cart chauffeur) being here too? Are you ok with him hearing this?”

“ummmm what are you going to tell me? I mean, sure! I don’t care” My spirit and heart felt free.

“ You are my soul mate. My woman and I have been having dreams about you, the way you walk for along time now. It’s you.” He said this with absolute confidence. How was he so sure? This guy didn’t know me, and it sounds like he’s got a girlfriend sooo..

Whenever I am in the energy of the two of us, I become playful almost like a child. Giggles burst out and I am able to speak with confidence. It’s a safe space. “ HA! I’m not your soul mate! You don’t know me.. I mean, I know a lot of people. “ Meghan says with such confidence, but her heart knew what her mind had not yet comprehended. Why are you so defensive? Why won’t you open?

“ Dude, he knows a lot of people, too. He knows what he’s talking about.” Our little friend chimed in.

I started to shiver, he noticed and laughed as he pointed me to go back inside. Stunned, confused with what I had just experienced and shielding my heart I sped away in the cart. I found a comfortable couch at the back of the main room, where I spent most of my time at my first Field Trip. I’d sit in the back and watch all of the beautiful souls interact, I watched as this creative soul community welcomed me into their family. Here, on this couch, I witnessed artists creating and imagining together.. the first time I’d ever seen this kind of community. It was like everything I have always wanted and how I have envisioned the church to evolve into. It’s the artists and creatives who are shining such a bright light on love, in ways people can touch. On this couch I made friends, and would have many profound and beautiful conversations. As I walked the halls with my forged cane, I was stopped by people who would tell me how beautiful and full of light I was. Who? Me? Can you not see this cane? Healers would stop me and tell me they knew they were present there to help me heal. Could they? Of course.

Lazers and Blazers is the best dress up dance party you will ever attend, but what happens when you cant dance? When you long to let your body move, but the pain is too much? Well, my now-best-friend Mollie found a solution and didn’t skip a beat. She took a trashcan off of a wheel platform, tied a rope to the wheels and set me on it.. she’d spend the next hour wheeling me around the dance floor. I hadn’t had fun like that in so many years, and tears of joy flooded my face as we danced. Then she hotwired the golf cart to whisk me off to bed.

Perched on my couch, the energy in the room was magnetic as we all entered into a mass meditation led by Biet. This was my first meditation experience, and it profoundly impacted me, waking me up to more of myself. He didn’t skip a beat, as soon as it ended rushed to my little couch and sat beside me,

“I love you. I love you. I love you. Please don’t forget this. I looked into your eyes the whole time, sending you unconditional love. Who are you? Where are you from? I can train you! I once taught a blind woman to take photos, and now she has a great business. Will you tell us where you came from? There’s a safe room where you can share, my woman is already there waiting.” I remember laughing, that giddy laugh like a kid who is innocent and free. He was determined, and I had never had anyone see me and want to know me and my path like this. Would I be brave enough to be vulnerable? I knew I had to, everything inside of me and everything that weekend opened me up to bravery.

She was waiting for me, with love in her eyes. I told her she had the same name as my best friend growing up, and she laughed and said “of course you did.” In the quiet of the room, all 6 of us gathered on the floor and the air felt sacred. The man with the blue eyes and the blue coat jumped off the bed and said “this feels just like the OA!” I agreed, we all agreed. Three years have passed since this, so I’m not entirely clear on what spilled out of my heart and mouth that night. I know it was a lot of medical and a lot of shame and brokenness I was holding in that space. I was still very traumatized from the past 7 years, and had never been seen in such a safe and loving light before. Maybe what I was saying was how unworthy of love I was, tears spilling down my face. As soon as I got to my marriage, I clammed shut, too scared to speak out loud of what had happened during those years because I was so afraid I’d be found out by my ex. I had kept my mouth shut for so long, I didn’t yet have language for the damage that was done to my heart and soul. As I ended, shame starting to sink in with all the vulnerability, I looked across at a tear-streaked face of a kind and tender man. His arms were outstretched, asking me to come close. I looked up at her, almost as if checking “is this safe?”, she nodded and I crawled into his lap, allowing myself to be enveloped by a hug I’d spend the next 3 years remembering. He kept saying “you are home. you’ve made it. you are safe now.” I knew this was true because I felt it in every inch of my body. Before I left, I said “I’ve never seen anything like this community and beauty before. You are all going to change the world.” I needed to get out of there, and he picked me up and carried me down the stairs. Such a familiar voice as it gently asked me if the man I was dating would carry me down the stairs? And where are you going after this? I told him I had rented a camper van, he laughed and said “of course. Be Safe.” And that would be the last time we would talk for almost a year, and in that following year I would walk through a beautiful creative and spiritual opening while also journeying through trauma so intensely beautiful and scary, it would change my life forever.