An introverted Extrovert

My first dose of self-awareness was given to me when I entered college by means of the Myers-Briggs test. I was labeled as an ENFJ, the extroversion came at no surprise after a lifetime of holding public leadership roles that built community. I continued the same trajectory in college, feeding my soul with constant connection. My self-worth was based on performing, being seen, and others opinions of me. I was crushed if someone didn’t like me. 

Towards the end of college, my jaw locked up, forcing me into lots of unwanted alone time.. unable to speak or connect. Then I married a complete introvert, who craved one-on-one time.. and I became more shut off from the extroversion that brought me joy and purpose. As time went on, my physical body forced me into more seclusion..in too much pain to leave the house, too much shame to be seen. I felt like a part of myself was dying, and I began to adapt to my new normal-quiet and alone. 

Over the next 7 years I would lose the voice that I once used to speak my truth and build community, I had no idea who I was anymore and I invested my power into keeping my husband happy. It slipped slowly out of my hands, and over time I became weaker and weaker. A very unhealthy co-dependent relationship, I didn’t have the freedom to invest in knowing myself. Growing would mean disrupting the waters in my home, and thus upsetting my emotional and physical life even more.

Time passed, and soon I found a therapist who once asked me what I wanted out of life. A felt a huge gap in my heart when I realized I didn’t have any dreams or goals for myself, and my immediate reaction was viseral: all I wanted was to be able to listen to any music I wanted while I drove down the road with my car windows open and my hair being tossed around by the wind. The feeling of freedom of self was my liberation from my cage. Life forced me into introversion, And I hid all of myself that the characters in my life didn’t like deep inside my being, but I failed to look inward..too scared of what I might find. Slowly, I started became strong enough to leave my marriage as I started to reawaken to the free, creative, truth-telling spirit that lived inside. I dove into learning about myself through the resource of the enneagram, dove into experiencing life and immersing myself in expanding my heart, and mind and creativity. I have swam through the fires of my darkest dreams manifesting in front of me and have felt the bliss that this life has to offer all in coming home to myself and transforming the pain into beauty. The past three years after choosing myself learning to love myself again have been the most transformative and soul-enriching years of my life.

A slave to the onslaught of pain my body brought this past year shoved me into unwanted dark corners of seclusion, forcing me into a space where I could no longer hide from the things inside that wanted to be seen. A thousand different versions of meghan have been lived and unearthed, uncovering more self-awareness and self-love than I ever thought possible. My spirit guides, the Divine and my own beautiful soul have become my solstice and my best friends. I am now comfortable with this trait of introversion, often hiding myself so others don’t see my pain, which often brings about rejection in my life.. consequently my biggest fear is rejection and my greatest need is to be loved. In finding me, that (now healthy) extroverted version of myself is still strong. Oddly enough, extroversion is no longer 2nd nature, but something that now takes a lot of uncomfortable bravery.. but I long for the connection it brings. Myers Briggs now tells me I’m an INFJ.

I share this to help you see that we are all changing and all growing. I don’t think we are all one or the other, but that it takes both extroversion and introversion to complete the bigger picture of who you are and your purpose in this world. They can co-exist in one lifetime.. even in one day! Growth and change is uncomfortable and it may feel like death, but after death life always sprints up, and I believe the love that guides you will always bring about the highest form of who you are as you surrender to the transformational process. Human beings are much more complex than the labels we put on ourselves.