Winter Manifestations

I remember the day my heart fell dark again. It was the end of November, I had lost my housing again and came to the stark realization that I needed to change my path.. that living in California by myself during this season of life was not feasible. To survive in Los Angeles, one must be on their tip-top game, and I was far from that place.. I was still in fight-or-flight survival mode and just could not secure a stable and supportive living environment that would all my body to heal. Looking up from my own desire to make California my home, I let go of the wheel and asked for whatever I needed to do next to come in smoothly and easily. That’s when I reached out for help from my family. What did I need to do? What was best for Meghan? I didn’t know the answer, but my parents had just flipped a little home in Downtown Decatur, Alabama and offered it to me as a place to rest, heal and reimagine my life. After a year of living out of the van and in so many different homes, I cried tears of gratitude as I allowed their love and this gift to come into my life. My friend Santina held me for hours as I weeped, as all the fear inside of me about returning home spilled out.. afraid of judgement, afraid that I would lose myself, afraid to face my past. Four days later, my parents flew out to LA and drove me and the dogs to Alabama in the camper van. Every morning I would wake up crying, feeling so much shame that I wasn’t strong enough to make it in California, and sadness that I hadn’t reached the point of healing I had hoped for.

Because of the Go-Fund-Me campaign, I felt an obligation to get better as quickly as i could towards each person who donated and believed in me. The shame was so deep in me, it was my own judgement of myself I have had to release over the past several months. had dreams of a vibrant and healthy life, and in California I felt like I could be my truest self.. to see others clearly and to be seen without judgement. I would cry and cry in the morning and at night feeling like those dreams were dead. I trusted my heart, I followed all the signs and walked through all of the open doors along this journey…since the journey ended so abruptly and not as I had envisioned, I questioned whether I could still trust my heart and that voice of the spirit inside of me. As it has been for the past 3 years, November through February were very dark months, and I felt like I was living in the twilight zone. To be completely honest, I did not think I would survive what my body threw at me this past year, and was able to see past the immediate. I went head first into all of my dreams, feeling like I would not live long enough to do the things I had always dreamed of doing and being. I wanted it all to manifest as quickly as possible, and as time slowed down I began to realize that I would actually live and that there was still the hope of a good life ahead of me.

No matter how hard I would reach for the light, for that joyful force that propelled me forward all year, it has been elusive. Upon entering my new home, I was overwhelmed to pick out new furniture and had a panic attack one afternoon when my mom came over to hang photos. It has been difficult for me to settle down into a life I didn’t expect back in Alabama. Everything was so familiar, nothing had changed, but I had changed so drastically I haven’t known how to exist as my new self in this environment that housed my youth. I came into town without any friends, and have spent many days alone working to transmute all of the shadow that was coming up inside of my heart. Trauma from the past 3 years started to rise up to be processed now that I was in a physically safe and stable environment. Inspiration to create left my heart and soul, and the motivation to move forward was lost as I have been mourning all of the pain from the past.

After being alone a lot of the year and fighting for my health, it was foreign for me to be hugged and loved again. I have felt such great love from my family, often times I am left in tears as how easily that love has come in and how full it makes my heart. I’ve surrendered all of my expectations of how I had hoped the things that I needed would come in, and as I have done this, everything I have needed has easily manifested in my reality. Often I will say “ I miss Meghan”, but what I am realizing is that I am far from the Meghan I was a year ago. I have learned so much through this experience and have healed so many of the dark corners of myself that I' hide from the world. I am settling back into my own skin, shedding the layers that no longer serve me, and incorporating all I have learned and am grounding it in the daily life. It’s extremely difficult to go from fight-or-flight to a slow and safe daily life. When your in fight-or-flight- you can’t look beyond your immediate needs (food/shelter/better health), and slowing down allowed all of those emotions I was holding inside all year to surface. I have been transmuting all of this the best way I can, and it feels like such a slow process. I keep telling myself “you can’t rush your healing”. I love this quote from msw jake

When we’re used to having high levels of stress hormones running through our body, sometimes the absence of stress or anxiety creates unease. When we’re used to being in fight/flight mode on a chronic basis, relaxation might feel unnatural and it might register as something to be feared or avoided.

Being in a state of chronic fight or flight means we’re less available to practice relaxation. Chronic stress keeps us outside of our relaxed state: safe and social, rest and digest mode. Kindness and compassion realign and recalibrate our nervous system by facilitating connection with ourselves and others. That’s why and how self-compassion, safe relationships and doing good for others are essential for healing and growth.

In January, I was able to see Dr. Patel, a neurosurgeon who specializes in Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. His office is down in Charleston, and the air down there brought me back home. The breeze from the ocean invigorated me and helped me find my center. My mom has been my driving companion, dropping whatever she has going on to help me get to the doctors I need to see. We easily journeyed back down to Charleston a couple of weeks ago with upright MRI’s in hand. It’s funny how the universe works, the doctor I had been hoping to see for almost two years ended up being only an hour and a half from where I was when this whole journey started. I journeyed across the country to find healing and answers (which I did receive much healing), only to find the right doctor was almost in my back yard.

Here’s the news: After looking over my MRI’s, I was told that yes, my c1 and c2 are unstable (cranial cervical instability), causing a lot of my neurological symptoms by pinching the base of my brain. He suspects occult tethered chord to be playing a role in the degradation of my legs, and saw an elongated styloid process which points to Eagle’s Syndrome.. This is the “bone” I have felt poking through my throat for the year. I am waiting for confirmation of Eagle’s and Tethered chord, but the course of action for my instability involves lots of physical therapy. In his opinion, if therapy doesn’t relieve the cervical instability symptoms, he is suggestion fusion surgery- which is the last resort.

The day before we left to Charleston, I easily signed up for BLUE CROSS BLUE SHIELD insurance in Alabama!!! The marketplace started offering plans this year, and it was an easy phone call to get exactly what I needed. Like I said, things are easily flowing into my field without the struggle of the past year. Anything involving Ehlers-Danlos is a long road that often feels overwhelming, but I am finding so much healing and better health along the way. I wont give up on the hope of living a vibrant life. I’m doing a lot to keep moving in that direction: I have been seeing an amazing Cranial Secrel Therapist here, I’ve been meeting with a Shaman for energy and spiritual healing work, have been talking with my talk therapist weekly, I have filled up 3 journals and am doing EMDR therapy work. Joe Dispenza’s book is providing me a lot of insight into how I can heal my own body, and as I release negativity I am finding lightness in body and spirit. Hope has been elusive, but as I look forward to the future I know I will find it again. I am looking at myself HARD in the mirror and being truthful about my own faults, my own negative core beliefs, and how I have played a role in the pain and shame I’ve held onto from my past. Forgiveness of myself, of others and of God is a core practice in my daily routine. I am allowing time for my body to really rest, and am slowly making beautiful friends here who share the same wavelength as I. I haven’t had much routine this past year, and am trying hard to build a new one that will help me keep moving forward and feel purposeful.

My eyes are working well enough to be behind my camera again, and I’m slowly building a new foundation for myself that is able to be constructed at it’s own pace without needing it for survival. I hope to start shooting one-hour connection sessions, and as I start to feel alive in my craft I know that part of “me” that I miss will come back to life. I have big dreams for my future, and I feel so grateful to have this easy time and place to slowly build towards those dreams.

Old friends have made their way into my life, and as I share with them the story of the past 15 years, I am given the opportunity to speak my truth. In hearing it all out loud, I am shown what part of my journey and life I still need to heal..covering it in love and not shame and guilt. I realize that not everyone can stomach the depths of the waters I have waded through, and am learning how to be vulnerable without sharing it all.. I am learning how to tell the bones of the story, and am so proud of myself for the light I have been able to hold onto in some of the darkest hours of my life.

Sweet ladies from my family’s church threw me a house warming party a couple of weeks ago, and the love from their hearts filled me up to overflowing. I am welcomed back home, and see that my fear was my own fear of rejection, feeling as if I was too broken to be loved. I’ve welcomed in a sweet roomate, and am excited to see who else will come into my home. I’m tired of living alone. My aqua van is parked in my driveway, and I visit her once a week. I am hopeful that I will be strong enough to adventure in her like I have dreamed, and am sure I will find the perfect travel companion for those adventures. I still dream of traveling around the US and speaking with groups of people who have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, and then connecting with individuals through my camera. I want others to be seen and loved, to know they are beautiful and aren’t broken..but I have had to find this truth within myself so I can share it with others. I want to raise awareness through the photographs and tell their stories of strength while not ignoring the reality of the pain this all causes. I want to bloom again, I want to rise up into the light and live the life of my dreams while taking care of my body and giving her what she needs to heal. And, guess what? I AM HEALING! I AM getting better..and I have hope that it’s just going to go uphill from here. Maybe soon I will find that vibrant, smiling and laughing Meghan again, the darkness is lifting and I see a little light at the end of the tunnel.