A few weeks ago I participated in a really exciting opportunity with some wedding vendors in our city. I have been so excited to be apart of this network, promoting one another and helping to build our relationships with brides and others in the industry. I am so excited about this opportunity and cannot wait to share more with you guys in the months to come!
Going into this shoot, I had a clear idea of how I wanted things to play out.
I imagined open fields, flowers, pretty brick walls, lots of laughing and playing.. annnd you can see that none of those things happened. The Tuesday I took these photos, it was hailing outside, I had a fever and cough and very little light and space to work within.
I later returned home to edit these photos, and they were far from the perfection that I wanted. I had an idea of how I wanted things to be, and because that didn't happen I have been highly disappointed in myself.
This morning I was thinking about these photos.. praying that God uses them to provide business for me and for the other ladies inside our little collaboration.. and then I had a startling realization.
My stress and critique of these photos reminded me a lot of how I view my life.
When I looked at my life ten years ago, I imagined that it would be a stark contrast to what it is today. I imagined that I would have a career, we'd own a house, I'd have a few sweet kids, and we'd be traveling and exploring.
And I have been fighting to try to achieve those things that I had imagined my life would look like..the perfectionist within me always wants things to be perfect and work out how I think they should.
It's quite apparent that things have not played out the way I thought they would. We've moved several times, I've had to change jobs so many times due to poor health.. and money has been such a stressor on our little family for so long.
Since I have been here in Minnesota and visiting the Mayo Clinic, I have seen God work more visibly than I have in a LONG time. He has been gracious to provide answers for us, He has opened up doors to very specific appointments that I've needed, and He has provided me with insurance to be able to afford all of these things.
I can clearly see His provision for me as I have been here. He has cared for me. And I have trusted Him to care for me.
But when I am in the daily stress of things.. paying bills, recovering from being sick, building a business..I seldom trust that He can and will provide what we need.
I kick and scream when he puts blocks in the road I thought I was supposed to go down. I become apathetic when all of my efforts seem to be vein. And I mourn the loss of the life I wanted.
There are some days that I can surrender. I can let go of the things I hold dearly in my tight fists and give them up. But, I do not walk in surrender. I do not live my life in the peace that God is loving, and that He provides for all of our needs.
I am now walking a path I would have never chosen to walk, but it is beautiful. I am pursuing a career that I never thought I would have picked, but it is beautiful. And in the stress of learning to live with less I can see beauty.
Today I fell on my knees for the first time in a long time and surrendered my stress and my need for perfection into the hands of my Father.
I breathed in deeply and found peace.
