It Gets Easier With Time : From The Archives

There's that old saying, "Time heals all wounds".. in a way it does, and in another way it doesn't. Time has always healed heartaches from love or friendships lost, but it doesn't make the pain go away.

January 1, 2013 was the anniversary of our miscarriage. I made myself busy that day so that I wouldn't be able to stop and feel the pain.. but I remembered all day long. And I had friends who remembered, which meant the world to me. And on January 1, 2012 I never thought the pain and sadness of losing our child would get any easier to bear. I will always remember how my sweet friend took me to the emergency room and stayed with me during the unknown, and how David was able to come down during his work day to hold my hand during the tests.

Over the past year I have been on a roller coaster emotional ride as I have dealt with the loss of something precious. I remember at first I would just pray that I would be able to make it a minute without weeping, without physical pain.. then I prayed for a day without the sadness.. and slowly the days turned into weeks.. and now the weeks turn into months. I am thankful for the friend time has been to my heart.

But I still remember. I still go on with things, and feel as if something is missing in my life. I count back the months and think, if I would have been able to keep my baby it would be "x" number of months old right now, and I would be a mother. So many of my friends have had babies or have gotten pregnant within the last year. My heart is so happy for them, but at the same time I weep when I hear the news. It's like see-saw between joy and heartache, and I have no control over it.

Our families haven't forgotten either. On Mothers Day this past year my parents got me a bouquet of flowers to let me know that they remembered that I am a mother to a sweet child in heaven. My mother in law gave us a beautiful ornament over the Christmas season so that we could remember the lives that we created.

And now my heart still yearns to be a mother. I sit in our bathroom and weep because I miss our child, and because I am uncertain of what the future holds for us. My heart cannot bear to go through what I went through this past year again, but I do not think my heart can bear never having children of our own.

People ask all of the time where we plan to go from here. I honestly do not know. I know that right now my body is not well enough to support another life, and I know that right now we cannot afford to have a family outside of us two. I also know that I cannot bear the deep heartache of loss again. But that is not what my heart years for..I yearn to have a sweet child of our own. This, like everything in our life is an unknown. And I rest in the peace that the Lord is good and that He gives good gifts. He knows what is best, and if He allows us to have a child one day I will bless His name.. and if He doesn't, I will bless His name still.

I know I will never forget, and I always want to remember the life that I carried.

I am thankful that I am where I am now. That I can hold a sweet baby without weeping, and I can rejoice with friends and family when they bring a child into this world.

I am thankful for time.