hEDS Daily: Monday May 8th, 2017

EVENING EVALUATION:

1. WHAT TIME IS IT? 8:31 pm

2. CURRENT LOCATION: savannah 

3. CURRENT TEMPERATURE:  75

4. DID I EAT ANYTHING DIFFERENT/NOTABLE? no, but i have been thinnking about the bullet proof diet (i did it last summer) again and am wondering if i should look into it again. is it histamine? 

5. OVERALL PAIN LEVEL TODAY (ON 1-10 SCALE SYSTEM): 7

6. WHERE DID I EXPERIENCE THE MOST PAIN/DISCOMFORT TODAY?  lower back 

7. ENERGY LEVEL: not too bad! 

8. DID ANYTHING MAKE MY ENERGY AND PAIN LEVELS BETTER OR WORSE? I did fascia blasting today, and i also took the dogs on a walk/run on my segway

9. EMOTIONAL STATE TODAY: good, just super tired. my parents were here this weekend which was great! but it also was very exhausting. hoping to go to the beach tomorrow!

10. HOW DID I LOVE MYSELF TODAY? i let myself have fun today

11. DID I USE MY CANE, WALKER, SEGWAY TODAY? segway, but that was more of a means for me to be athletic and get the dog's energy out 

12. DID I PARK IN HANDICAPPED PARKING TODAY? didn't drive 

13. DID I WORK TODAY? yes, lots of e mails and communication & background work. I'm about to start editing tonight as i watch 'Bessie" 

14. MUSIC LISTENED TO TODAY:  Hiss Golden Messanger 

15. DID I ASK FOR HELP TODAY? yes! i asked my mom to make me breakfast and my dad to put together a garden cart for me :) 

16. anything else worth notating about the day, overall? lots of pain, needing to rest for a good several days for this weekends wedding. 

20. PLEASE PROVIDE ANY PHOTOS TO DOCUMENT BODY CONDITION/EMOTIONAL HEALTH/ACTIVITIES COMPLETED FOR DAY: if I can get one my mom took today I'll post it later. 

EDS daily: Friday, May 5th 2017

MORNING EVALUATION: wednesday april 26th, 2017

1. TODAY'S DATE: may 5, 2017

2. CURRENT TIME: 11:17 am!  

3. CURRENT LOCATION: savannah, ga

4. CURRENT TEMPERATURE: 80

5. BLOOD PRESSURE:

6. TIME I WENT TO BED: 3 AM

7. TIME I GOT OUT OF BED: in bed right now typing this 

8. TOTAL HOURS SLEPT: 8 hours

9. HOW DID I SLEEP? I was so tired, yesterday was SO LONG, that I slept great. I wish I was still asleep!

10. WHAT MEDICATIONS & SUPPLEMENTS DID I TAKE THIS MORNING? 

    Armour hyroid 60 mg tablet x2/day | duloxetine hcl 60mg | ratitidine tablets 150 mg x2/day |  ccyclobenzaprine 5mg x 3/day | cetirizine hydrochloride 90mg x2/day | medicinal marajuana as needed for pain | gabapentin 5 mg 

11. WHAT PART OF MY BODY HURTS THIS MORNING ? everywhere. feel like i've been hit by a truck. lower back and right shoulder hurt a lot off quick evaluation 

12. ON A SCALE FROM 1-10 (ONE BEING THE BEST AND TEN BEING THE WORST) WHAT IS MY OVERALL PAIN LEVEL THIS MORNING? WHAT TYPE OF PAIN IS IT? 7

13. USING THE SAME SCALE AS ABOVE, WHAT WOULD YOU RATE YOUR OVERALL ENERGY LEVEL TODAY? DO ANY SPECIFIC PARTS OF MY BODY FEEL FATIGUED? WHAT DOES THAT FEEL LIKE? 4? my brain seems to be working. we will see how it shapes out later today (and i'll write about it.. obviously not used to this routine yet 

14. DO I HAVE A HEADACHE?  yes

15. HOW IS MY THOUGHT PROCESSING THIS MORNING? decent.. much much better than last night

16. DO MY LEGS WORK TODAY? YES!!!

17. DO I NEED ASSISTANCE TO WALK THIS MORNING? this morning, no :) 

ANYTHING ELSE WORTH NOTING? spent the day mostly in the car yesterday.. also packing up. it definitely wasn't a day of rest, but my parents are coming into town today and i'm hoping to convince them we should go to the beach! 

EVENING EVALUATION:

1. WHAT TIME IS IT? went to bed at 10:00 

2. CURRENT LOCATION: savannah, georgia 

3. CURRENT TEMPERATURE:  thyroid 60 mg tablet x2/day | duloxetine hcl 60mg | ratitidine tablets 150 mg x2/day |  ccyclobenzaprine 5mg x 3/day | cetirizine hydrochloride 90mg x2/day | medicinal marajuana as needed for pain 

4. DID I EAT ANYTHING DIFFERENT/NOTABLE? i ate out at zunzis and it was great! didn't get sick at ll 

5. OVERALL PAIN LEVEL TODAY (ON 1-10 SCALE SYSTEM):9.5

6. WHERE DID I EXPERIENCE THE MOST PAIN/DISCOMFORT TODAY?  today was BAD BAD. everything hurt, it was hard to have multiple conversations, even on the segway it was hard to walk. i had to excuse myself from what we were doing and go to bed at 5pm  

7. ENERGY LEVEL: 9 LOW

8. DID ANYTHING MAKE MY ENERGY AND PAIN LEVELS BETTER OR WORSE? I woke up and cleaned my house, and my parents came into town and i had a really hard time having conversations and even holding myself up. keeping my eyes open was hard too. i think it was just too much stimulation for one day.. especially a bad day 

9. EMOTIONAL STATE TODAY: honestly, i didn't even have enough bandwidth TO be emotional
 

10. HOW DID I LOVE MYSELF TODAY? ?

11. DID I USE MY CANE, WALKER, SEGWAY TODAY? segway

12. DID I PARK IN HANDICAPPED PARKING TODAY? WHY? YES

13. DID I WORK TODAY? no

14. MUSIC LISTENED TO TODAY: marvin gay on record 

15. DID I ASK FOR HELP TODAY? yes

16. HOW DID I LOVE SOMEONE TODAY? 

17. WHAT MADE ME SMILE TODAY? ?

18. WHAT MADE ME CRY TODAY? ?

19. WHAT MADE ME LAUGH TODAY?  ?

20. PLEASE PROVIDE ANY PHOTOS TO DOCUMENT BODY CONDITION/EMOTIONAL HEALTH/ACTIVITIES COMPLETED FOR DAY: n/a  

EDS Daily: Monday May 1st

MORNING EVALUATION: wednesday april 26th, 2017

1. TODAY'S DATE: May 1, 2017

2. CURRENT TIME: 2:44  

3. CURRENT LOCATION: carrboro, north carolina 

4. CURRENT TEMPERATURE: 80

5. BLOOD PRESSURE: ( I have really got to remember to do this every morning.. it's to monitor and assess POTS ) 

6. TIME I WENT TO BED: 1 am

7. TIME I GOT OUT OF BED: 10:45 AM

8. TOTAL HOURS SLEPT: 9.45 hours

9. HOW DID I SLEEP? I actually slept really well.. I had a hard time falling asleep because my mind was racing, but once I fell asleep I stayed asleep and only got up once to use the bathroom! 

10. WHAT MEDICATIONS & SUPPLEMENTS DID I TAKE THIS MORNING? armour 60mg | cymbalta (generic) 60mg | gabapentin (generic) 5mg | 

11. WHAT PART OF MY BODY HURTS THIS MORNING ? lower back especially left side , my legs have ant/numbing pain from knee to bottom of foot. I am overall very sore today (ribs, neck, back, shoulders, jaw, knees) but I do not have the acute pain that I thought I would after yesterday's segway rides! 

12. ON A SCALE FROM 1-10 (ONE BEING THE BEST AND TEN BEING THE WORST) WHAT IS MY OVERALL PAIN LEVEL THIS MORNING? WHAT TYPE OF PAIN IS IT? 4.5.. as mentioned above, mainly sore muscles and joints. car crash type pain. 

13. USING THE SAME SCALE AS ABOVE, WHAT WOULD YOU RATE YOUR OVERALL ENERGY LEVEL TODAY? DO ANY SPECIFIC PARTS OF MY BODY FEEL FATIGUED? WHAT DOES THAT FEEL LIKE? my brain is actually really sharp and ready to work! I have lots to do today. 

14. DO I HAVE A HEADACHE?  yes, but it is not a migraine.. maybe because of the april showers that have been blowing through in north carolina

15. HOW IS MY THOUGHT PROCESSING THIS MORNING? pretty fast! right after i woke up, I took my medicines, listened to some music, and then took waverly then dakota both on walks/runs on my segway lasting for about 1 hour total!

16. DO MY LEGS WORK TODAY? YES!!!

17. DO I NEED ASSISTANCE TO WALK THIS MORNING? this morning, no :) 

ANYTHING ELSE WORTH NOTING? I realize I didn't check in for the past few days, as I was separating myself from media for 24-ish hours. Those hours were spent meditating and clearing space to be able to better feel and understand my pain and my body in relation to that pain. Several insights were found, and I would like to document them below so that I can refer back to this post later:

• through reflex testing and needle testing, it was determined (by myself) that my legs from hip to knee are mainly numb. Sharp pain sensations are very delayed and are "muted" in how loud they feel. This also happened with slapping sensation, bumping sensation (one that would cause a bruise), water as well as air. However, from the knee to foot is an entirely different story. The pain sensation was heightened more-so than anywhere else on my body. I am curious why this is the case?
• Pooling of blood happens in knees to feet after standing and walking for more than 30 minutes at a time
• left side of body has less muscle mass around joints than right side of body. 
• left side of body is more hypermobile than right
• more pain in left side of body
• back (possible tethered chord syndrome?) feels better when posture is made different than what is "natural".. tucking tail and allowing knees to be "knock kneed" puts pressure off back pain. The pelvis ends up being tilted forward and tail is tucked. It eliminates all curvature of lower spine.

1. Is this ok?
2. Should I start taping this to allow re-training of posture?

 

Poetry by Amy Turn Sharp

I commissioned Amy to write a poem. A poem for my heart and my love. Her words say it all.  

Forsyth Farmers Market In Savannah, Georgia

Forsyth Farmers Market..

a market very unlike any I have ever visited. When I moved to Savannah, I didn't have time or energy to venture out to the Farmers Market on Saturday mornings, so it has taken me a little longer to become acquainted with this Saturday morning gem than I would have liked! It is as diverse as the locals who call Savannah home. If you are in town to visit and do not have a need for fresh fair, you should still venture over to Forsyth to catch a glimpse of some pretty top-knotch people watching. Head to Sentient Bean for fresh brewed, local coffee and pop into Brighter Day for a post-farmers market smoothie! 

I was able to venture down to Forsyth on a crisp Saturday morning in February. Being a wedding photographer, I don't often have Saturday mornings to venture around town, so it was perfect when I was asked to take photos of the farmers market in the winter! I was nervous there wouldn't be many people out because it was a bit cooler than us Savannahians prefer. Instead, I was met with a bustle of vendors, customers, kids, chickens and pups when I pulled up to Sentient Bean for a pre-farmers market coffee. 

Local vendors were as eclectic as the food they were selling.. all of their faces met me bright with smiles and welcomed my questions with open arms. The produce was a bit more expensive than I would normally pay, but I was happy to pay the extra to support local families and farms. You will see that you can also get some farm fresh eggs, honey, local chocolate, mushrooms, macaroons.. the list goes on and on! 

Luckily, for those of us who work most Saturday morning, the Forsyth Farmers Market Farm Truck 912  gets out-and-about during the week selling excess produce from Saturday's Farmers Market!

EDS Daily: April 26-May 3rd

initially, i had planned to publish these evaluations once a week. However, I am having a hard time not confusing dates and copy/pasting the wrong things.. so, for my sake, I'm going to need to publish these daily. I will try to find a way to limit how often they appear in subscriber inboxes!

the following journals range from April 26-April 29th

MORNING EVALUATION: wednesday april 26th, 2017

1. TODAY'S DATE: april 26, 2017

2. CURRENT TIME: 11:32 am 

3. CURRENT LOCATION: carrboro, north carolina 

4. CURRENT TEMPERATURE: 71 

5. BLOOD PRESSURE: 

6. TIME I WENT TO BED: 1 am

7. TIME I GOT OUT OF BED: 10:20 am

8. TOTAL HOURS SLEPT: 9 hours

9. HOW DID I SLEEP? great! the herb brownie i had before bed + two muscle relaxors (5 mg each) really helped do the trick!

10. WHAT MEDICATIONS & SUPPLEMENTS DID I TAKE THIS MORNING? armour 60mg | cymbalta (generic) 60mg | gabapentin (generic) 5mg | 

11. WHAT PART OF MY BODY HURTS THIS MORNING ? lower back especially left side | legs, particularly from the knee down to the feet | left shoulder | neck below a1 vertebrae | hands, especially particular fingers feel sprained from Saturday's wedding |

12. ON A SCALE FROM 1-10 (ONE BEING THE BEST AND TEN BEING THE WORST) WHAT IS MY OVERALL PAIN LEVEL THIS MORNING? WHAT TYPE OF PAIN IS IT? 7.5 | from my feet to my knees i have burning pain, numbing pain (like ants crawling up and down legs) and joint pain in my left knee (medial meniscus) | lower back pain is sharp and continuous and radiates down left leg. lower back is also sore and is made worse by moving | pain in neck is stiff, radiating down from my left jaw to my left pinkie is lightning pain | hands are sore like sprained ankles with pain in arms that mimics leg pain | neck feels like it needs to be popped | head hurts above eyes

13. USING THE SAME SCALE AS ABOVE, WHAT WOULD YOU RATE YOUR OVERALL ENERGY LEVEL TODAY? DO ANY SPECIFIC PARTS OF MY BODY FEEL FATIGUED? WHAT DOES THAT FEEL LIKE? 7, which is low. My brain is working better than it has the past several days, so cogniatively I am sharper than I have been, but my body is slowing down my processing and my limbs feel like they have cement at the end of my feet and hands. 

14. DO I HAVE A HEADACHE?  yes, but it is not a migraine.. just soreness in front of head above (and behind) eyes

15. HOW IS MY THOUGHT PROCESSING THIS MORNING? slow, but much faster than yesterday. the pain is overwhelming my processing today

16. DO MY LEGS WORK TODAY? ehhhhhhhh. not really. but they ARE able to hold me up and move if I make them. 

17. DO I NEED ASSISTANCE TO WALK THIS MORNING? yes, using the segway

18. ANYTHING ELSE WORTH NOTING? i fell, as overall, i'm recovering a little faster with this wedding than i did lauren and matt's. day three seems to be the day my cognative ability comes almost fully back, but my overall pain increases.. becomes much louder

EVENING EVALUATION:

1. WHAT TIME IS IT? 10:17 pm

2. CURRENT LOCATION: carrboro, north carolina 

3. CURRENT TEMPERATURE: 68

4. MEDICATIONS TAKEN TODAY: 

5. DID I EAT ANYTHING DIFFERENT/NOTABLE? no, but i didn't have a proper lunch today

6. OVERALL PAIN LEVEL TODAY (ON 1-10 SCALE SYSTEM): ranging from 5-7

7. WHERE DID I EXPERIENCE THE MOST PAIN/DISCOMFORT TODAY? i had acute pain in my chest and lower left back.. continual pain in feet and legs today, made worse by long periods of standing

8. ENERGY LEVEL: 4

9. DID ANYTHING MAKE MY ENERGY AND PAIN LEVELS BETTER OR WORSE? I think the magnesium helps a bit with energy. i also drank coffee this morning 

10. EMOTIONAL STATE TODAY: good! much better than the previous day 

11. HOW DID I LOVE MYSELF TODAY? i took the time to make this questionnaire AND i took my segway (for the first time in public) and myself out to the farmers market 

12. WHAT DID I DO TODAY (DOCTORS APPOINTMENTS, PHYSICAL ACTIVITY, INTERACTIONS OF NOTE, WORK OF NOTE, MOBILITY ISSUES OF NOTE): I wrote, responded to e mails for photo business, edited photos, went to farmers market and aldi (with segway), and walked on properties 

13. DID I USE MY CANE, WALKER, SEGWAY TODAY? segway

14. DID I PARK IN HANDICAPPED PARKING TODAY? WHY? no, because I had my segway

15. DID I WORK TODAY? yes, maybe 3-4 hours?

16. MUSIC LISTENED TO TODAY: joseph on vinyl

17. DID I ASK FOR HELP TODAY? yes, transporting my segway and asking for breakfast

18. HOW DID I LOVE SOMEONE TODAY? i am not sure i was as outwardly focused as I would have like to have been today, but i think i love others when i take the time to care for myself.. so maybe i did that today?

19. WHAT MADE ME SMILE TODAY? driving through the countryside of north carolina 

20. WHAT MADE ME CRY TODAY? nothing!

21. WHAT MADE ME LAUGH TODAY? the people i was around 

22. PLEASE PROVIDE ANY PHOTOS TO DOCUMENT BODY CONDITION/EMOTIONAL HEALTH/ACTIVITIES COMPLETED FOR DAY: n/a ;) 

---

MORNING EVALUATION: thursday, april 27th, 2017

1. TODAY'S DATE: april 27, 2017

2. CURRENT TIME: 1:25pm 

3. CURRENT LOCATION: carrboro, north carolina 

4. CURRENT TEMPERATURE: 81

5. BLOOD PRESSURE: 

6. TIME I WENT TO BED: 9:30 pm

7. TIME I GOT OUT OF BED: 9:25 am

8. TOTAL HOURS SLEPT: 11 hours

9. HOW DID I SLEEP? great! I've been sleeping a lot better with the muscle relaxers as well as brownie :)  

10. WHAT MEDICATIONS & SUPPLEMENTS DID I TAKE THIS MORNING? armour 60mg | cymbalta (generic) 60mg | gabapentin (generic) 5mg | 

11. WHAT PART OF MY BODY HURTS THIS MORNING ? lower back especially left side | legs, particularly from the knee down to the feet | left shoulder | neck below a1 vertebrae | hands, especially particular fingers feel sprained from Saturday's wedding | .. same as yesterday except pain today is more a sore joint type of pain (at least right now) 

12. ON A SCALE FROM 1-10 (ONE BEING THE BEST AND TEN BEING THE WORST) WHAT IS MY OVERALL PAIN LEVEL THIS MORNING? WHAT TYPE OF PAIN IS IT? 7.5 | I took a high dose of medicinal herb this morning, so my pain has slowed down (and it's also why i'm just now getting to this even though I woke up earlier). Resting and working from the couch toay 

13. USING THE SAME SCALE AS ABOVE, WHAT WOULD YOU RATE YOUR OVERALL ENERGY LEVEL TODAY? DO ANY SPECIFIC PARTS OF MY BODY FEEL FATIGUED? WHAT DOES THAT FEEL LIKE? 5, which is higher than yesterday. my neck is tired from holding up my head, legs are VERY tired and exhausted after walking from couch to bathroom (an example)

14. DO I HAVE A HEADACHE?  yes, but it is more a spring pressure headache

15. HOW IS MY THOUGHT PROCESSING THIS MORNING? slow, but much faster than yesterday. I'm working!

16. DO MY LEGS WORK TODAY? they aren't as loud as yesterday, so I started walking this morning, over estimating my ability to do labor today. Using the segway around the house for the reminder of the day

17. DO I NEED ASSISTANCE TO WALK THIS MORNING? no-ish

18. ANYTHING ELSE WORTH NOTING? overall a soreness is setting in from the wedding on Saturday.. sore joints and bruises appearing more, especially where I wore my braces. Overall, any physical exertion makes me very tired today.

EVENING EVALUATION:

1. WHAT TIME IS IT? 1:08 pm on Friday the 28th.. (lets be honest, I fell asleep last night because i was feeling poorly, and didn't fill this out. I'll be typing as if i did fill it out last night) 

2. CURRENT LOCATION: carrboro, north carolina 

3. CURRENT TEMPERATURE:  thyroid 60 mg tablet x2/day | duloxetine hcl 60mg | ratitidine tablets 150 mg x2/day |  ccyclobenzaprine 5mg x 3/day | cetirizine hydrochloride 90mg x2/day | medicinal marajuana as needed for pain 

4. DID I EAT ANYTHING DIFFERENT/NOTABLE? nope. gluten free as always. have started eating yogurt again and am doing parfaits with gf granola from aldi and fruit. YUM

5. OVERALL PAIN LEVEL TODAY (ON 1-10 SCALE SYSTEM): 6

6. WHERE DID I EXPERIENCE THE MOST PAIN/DISCOMFORT TODAY? My mind was working a lot better today, so I thought I could do a lot more than I should have. I organized a kitchen throughout the day... standing quickly became hard because of blood pooling in my legs below my knees. Legs felt swollen and throbbing with pain and knees would swell too. It felt like water was sloshing around inside my skin 

7. ENERGY LEVEL: 3 (decent!) 

8. DID ANYTHING MAKE MY ENERGY AND PAIN LEVELS BETTER OR WORSE? i had to exert a lot of energy cleaning the kitchen, so I would do it in stages of 15 minutes. I also made lunch today, and by the end of the 30 min prep time I could no longer stand and cognitive processing became extremely hard. 

9. EMOTIONAL STATE TODAY: good! organizing the kitchen gave me a very focused escape from the pain. I think I am realizing that is why I like to organize and decorate? It's something I can do that is in front of me that requires total focus and I can always see the reward of my labor when a room is decorated and organized. It's almost like meditation? 

10. HOW DID I LOVE MYSELF TODAY? I made myself some good food and went to bed early 

11. WHAT DID I DO TODAY (DOCTORS APPOINTMENTS, PHYSICAL ACTIVITY, INTERACTIONS OF NOTE, WORK OF NOTE, MOBILITY ISSUES OF NOTE): organized a kitchen (a lot of work), edited a family session and delivered it to clients. responded to e mails, spent time with Dan and Eric-Scott. 

12. DID I USE MY CANE, WALKER, SEGWAY TODAY? segway

13. DID I PARK IN HANDICAPPED PARKING TODAY? WHY? no, i didn't leave the house

14. DID I WORK TODAY? yes, maybe 7 hours?

15. MUSIC LISTENED TO TODAY: lana del ray

16. DID I ASK FOR HELP TODAY? no

17. HOW DID I LOVE SOMEONE TODAY? I cleaned and organized Eric-Scott's kitchen! I also did the dishes even though I was very tired :) 

18. WHAT MADE ME SMILE TODAY? Nova- Luna and Waverly. Karma and Nova-Luna learning how to play together 

19. WHAT MADE ME CRY TODAY? nothing!

20. WHAT MADE ME LAUGH TODAY? the people i was around 

21. PLEASE PROVIDE ANY PHOTOS TO DOCUMENT BODY CONDITION/EMOTIONAL HEALTH/ACTIVITIES COMPLETED FOR DAY: i tried to take a photo of the purplish and red color of my legs, but it didn't show up on camera. 

---

MORNING EVALUATION: friday april 28th, 2017

1. TODAY'S DATE: april 28, 2017

2. CURRENT TIME: 1:33 Pm 

3. CURRENT LOCATION: carrboro, north carolina 

4. CURRENT TEMPERATURE: 81

5. BLOOD PRESSURE: 

6. TIME I WENT TO BED: 10:30 pm (was awake last night from 3am-5:30am ) 

7. TIME I GOT OUT OF BED: 11:25 am

8. TOTAL HOURS SLEPT: 11 hours

9. HOW DID I SLEEP? great! minus being up from 3-5 :) 

10. WHAT MEDICATIONS & SUPPLEMENTS DID I TAKE THIS MORNING? hyroid 60 mg tablet x2/day | duloxetine hcl 60mg | ratitidine tablets 150 mg x2/day |  ccyclobenzaprine 5mg x 3/day | cetirizine hydrochloride 90mg x2/day | medicinal marajuana as needed for pain 

11. WHAT PART OF MY BODY HURTS THIS MORNING ? whole body is sore, especially my lower left back. legs aren't swollen like they were last night, so the sleep may have helped that? 

12. ON A SCALE FROM 1-10 (ONE BEING THE BEST AND TEN BEING THE WORST) WHAT IS MY OVERALL PAIN LEVEL THIS MORNING? WHAT TYPE OF PAIN IS IT? I woke up with a migraine, so that was pretty overwhelmign in the morning. As of right now (after doing fascia blasting and shower) I'm about a 5

13. USING THE SAME SCALE AS ABOVE, WHAT WOULD YOU RATE YOUR OVERALL ENERGY LEVEL TODAY? DO ANY SPECIFIC PARTS OF MY BODY FEEL FATIGUED? WHAT DOES THAT FEEL LIKE? 7.. pretty tired and body is slowly moving around. I could not raise my arms becuase of rib pain this morning. trying to stay on the couch or in a resting position as I work today

14. DO I HAVE A HEADACHE?  yes, feels a bit like the headache i had after my spinal tap 

15. HOW IS MY THOUGHT PROCESSING THIS MORNING? pretty good actually!

16. DO MY LEGS WORK TODAY? yes, but the ant pain is starting to creep in.. trying to keep legs elevated today so they blood pooling doesn't set in like yesterday

17. DO I NEED ASSISTANCE TO WALK THIS MORNING? no-ish

18. ANYTHING ELSE WORTH NOTING? I want to note that I did a full 45 minute fascia blasting session this morning. I have been fascia blasting since January, started doing a session a day for several weeks, maybe a month? Now I will do mini-sessions in the shower every other day and then a long session once a week. Still unsure if it is helping with pain, but I do know it is helping get rid of cellulite (which is supposedly fascia around my connective tissue).. so the thought is, if I it helps fascia, and bad fascia is part of my problem with my connective tissue, then maybe this could help Ehlers-Danlos specifically? I am a lot more confident in my body these days because of it. 

EVENING EVALUATION:

1. WHAT TIME IS IT? 1:08 pm on Friday the 28th.. (lets be honest, I fell asleep last night because i was feeling poorly, and didn't fill this out. I'll be typing as if i did fill it out last night) 

2. CURRENT LOCATION: carrboro, north carolina 

3. CURRENT TEMPERATURE:  thyroid 60 mg tablet x2/day | duloxetine hcl 60mg | ratitidine tablets 150 mg x2/day |  ccyclobenzaprine 5mg x 3/day | cetirizine hydrochloride 90mg x2/day | medicinal marajuana as needed for pain 

4. DID I EAT ANYTHING DIFFERENT/NOTABLE? nope. gluten free as always. have started eating yogurt again and am doing parfaits with gf granola from aldi and fruit. YUM

5. OVERALL PAIN LEVEL TODAY (ON 1-10 SCALE SYSTEM): 6

6. WHERE DID I EXPERIENCE THE MOST PAIN/DISCOMFORT TODAY? My mind was working a lot better today, so I thought I could do a lot more than I should have. I organized a kitchen throughout the day... standing quickly became hard because of blood pooling in my legs below my knees. Legs felt swollen and throbbing with pain and knees would swell too. It felt like water was sloshing around inside my skin 

7. ENERGY LEVEL: 3 (decent!) 

8. DID ANYTHING MAKE MY ENERGY AND PAIN LEVELS BETTER OR WORSE? i had to exert a lot of energy cleaning the kitchen, so I would do it in stages of 15 minutes. I also made lunch today, and by the end of the 30 min prep time I could no longer stand and cognitive processing became extremely hard. 

9. EMOTIONAL STATE TODAY: good! organizing the kitchen gave me a very focused escape from the pain. I think I am realizing that is why I like to organize and decorate? It's something I can do that is in front of me that requires total focus and I can always see the reward of my labor when a room is decorated and organized. It's almost like meditation? 

10. HOW DID I LOVE MYSELF TODAY? I made myself some good food and went to bed early 

11. WHAT DID I DO TODAY (DOCTORS APPOINTMENTS, PHYSICAL ACTIVITY, INTERACTIONS OF NOTE, WORK OF NOTE, MOBILITY ISSUES OF NOTE): organized a kitchen (a lot of work), edited a family session and delivered it to clients. responded to e mails, spent time with Dan and Eric-Scott. 

12. DID I USE MY CANE, WALKER, SEGWAY TODAY? segway

13. DID I PARK IN HANDICAPPED PARKING TODAY? WHY? no, i didn't leave the house

14. DID I WORK TODAY? yes, maybe 7 hours?

15. MUSIC LISTENED TO TODAY: lana del ray

16. DID I ASK FOR HELP TODAY? no

17. HOW DID I LOVE SOMEONE TODAY? I cleaned and organized Eric-Scott's kitchen! I also did the dishes even though I was very tired :) 

18. WHAT MADE ME SMILE TODAY? Nova- Luna and Waverly. Karma and Nova-Luna learning how to play together 

19. WHAT MADE ME CRY TODAY? nothing!

20. WHAT MADE ME LAUGH TODAY? the people i was around 

21. PLEASE PROVIDE ANY PHOTOS TO DOCUMENT BODY CONDITION/EMOTIONAL HEALTH/ACTIVITIES COMPLETED FOR DAY: i tried to take a photo of the purplish and red color of my legs, but it didn't show up on camera. 

---

EVENING EVALUATION:

1. WHAT TIME IS IT? went to bed at 10:45

2. CURRENT LOCATION: carrboro, north carolina 

3. CURRENT TEMPERATURE:  thyroid 60 mg tablet x2/day | duloxetine hcl 60mg | ratitidine tablets 150 mg x2/day |  ccyclobenzaprine 5mg x 3/day | cetirizine hydrochloride 90mg x2/day | medicinal marajuana as needed for pain 

4. DID I EAT ANYTHING DIFFERENT/NOTABLE? no

5. OVERALL PAIN LEVEL TODAY (ON 1-10 SCALE SYSTEM): 8

6. WHERE DID I EXPERIENCE THE MOST PAIN/DISCOMFORT TODAY?  I was in pain already, but then I fell of the segway and landed face down. The jolt was enough to really rattle my bones. I tried to keep the pain from becoming too overwhelming by using medicinal herbs. 

7. ENERGY LEVEL: 6 (low) 

8. DID ANYTHING MAKE MY ENERGY AND PAIN LEVELS BETTER OR WORSE? falling off the segway def. made it worse

9. EMOTIONAL STATE TODAY:good! got a lot of good work done (check out www.meghillphoto.com
 

10. HOW DID I LOVE MYSELF TODAY? I gave myself grace when it comes to how long it's taking me to edit weddings from April/March
 

11. DID I USE MY CANE, WALKER, SEGWAY TODAY? segway

12. DID I PARK IN HANDICAPPED PARKING TODAY? WHY? no, i didn't leave the house

13. DID I WORK TODAY? yes, maybe 7 hours?

14. MUSIC LISTENED TO TODAY: the president's 2016 summer spotify playlist

15. DID I ASK FOR HELP TODAY? no

16. HOW DID I LOVE SOMEONE TODAY? I made Eric-Scott dinner, edited some photos for a friend for her birthday, and sent out a few kind e mails!

17. WHAT MADE ME SMILE TODAY? so. many. things! 

18. WHAT MADE ME CRY TODAY? nothing!

19. WHAT MADE ME LAUGH TODAY?  my animals 

20. PLEASE PROVIDE ANY PHOTOS TO DOCUMENT BODY CONDITION/EMOTIONAL HEALTH/ACTIVITIES COMPLETED FOR DAY: n/a  

MORNING EVALUATION: saturday april 29th, 2017

1. TODAY'S DATE: april 29, 2017

2. CURRENT TIME: 12:05 Pm 

3. CURRENT LOCATION: carrboro, north carolina 

4. CURRENT TEMPERATURE: 79

5. BLOOD PRESSURE: 

6. TIME I WENT TO BED: 10:30 pm 

7. TIME I GOT OUT OF BED: 10:30 am

8. TOTAL HOURS SLEPT: 12 hours

9. HOW DID I SLEEP? GREAT!! again, the brownie does the trick :) 

10. WHAT MEDICATIONS & SUPPLEMENTS DID I TAKE THIS MORNING? Armour hyroid 60 mg tablet x2/day | duloxetine hcl 60mg | ratitidine tablets 150 mg x2/day |  ccyclobenzaprine 5mg x 3/day | cetirizine hydrochloride 90mg x2/day | medicinal marajuana as needed for pain | cannot find my muscle relaxor (5mg)

11. WHAT PART OF MY BODY HURTS THIS MORNING ? mainly legs, ribs and back. everything is pretty sore today. slow moving 

12. ON A SCALE FROM 1-10 (ONE BEING THE BEST AND TEN BEING THE WORST) WHAT IS MY OVERALL PAIN LEVEL THIS MORNING? WHAT TYPE OF PAIN IS IT? no migraine this morning, which is great! pain level is about a 5-6.. gets worse with moving today.

13. USING THE SAME SCALE AS ABOVE, WHAT WOULD YOU RATE YOUR OVERALL ENERGY LEVEL TODAY? DO ANY SPECIFIC PARTS OF MY BODY FEEL FATIGUED? WHAT DOES THAT FEEL LIKE?  .. about a 5

14. DO I HAVE A HEADACHE?  no
15. HOW IS MY THOUGHT PROCESSING THIS MORNING? slow16. DO MY LEGS WORK TODAY? yes,they just hurt a lot from yesterday's fall.. but they aren't limp yet
17. DO I NEED ASSISTANCE TO WALK THIS MORNING? no-ish

18. ANYTHING ELSE WORTH NOTING? 

EDS Daily : April 25, 2017

In an attempt to better understand my body, I'm making the decision (and upon recommendation from my physician, Dr. Francomono) to do a quick journal daily of symptoms, changes, diet, etc. to try to understand the pattern of how my body is working and responding to things. 

I've been wrestling with the form of media that I use for this daily practice, enjoying the feeling of pen to paper the best. I also have the knowledge of my past journaling experience, and know I won't stick to topic during those journaling sessions and will instead trail off on other ambient thoughts and ideas. Without considering my personal preferences, here are the forms of recording keeping I have been thinking of using for this project

• a small writing journal
• recording myself talking everyday
• audio
• video
• journal on my computer
• blogging daily on high five home space 

After thinking through all the pros and cons of each modality, I decided I'd start it here. I'm pretending I have someone reading this so there's accountability, right? I am more apt to do something if I know someone will be counting on me. 

Here are the guidelines I've outlined for myself:

• journal AM and PM (when I'd normally be checking business e mail) 
• design questionnaire for myself and answer said questions daily.
• share once a week with a cumulative post on this space, hoping that maybe my personal research/journey might be able to help cumulative research for Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. Not only that, but most importantly help YOU who may be reading these things. 

So, here we go! Tomorrow I'll start. Tonight I'll formulate my questions in reply to a lot that I learned this past week during my appointment at The Harvey Institute of Human Genetics. 

My 30th April

photo taken and styled by my super talented pal, allie lehman. 

I'm not really sure how to start writing about the epic adventure that has been the past month of my life. The last month of my 29th year and the first month of my 30th year.. April.

 Birthdays have always been special to me for some reason.. not MY birthday (or even that I'm good at remembering other's birthdays), but THE birthday. YOUR birthday. It's a day to celebrate YOU. I love celebrating my favorite humans on their days of birth. I used to think that everyone was as altruistic and excited as I was to celebrate MY birthday in return. Not true. 

Over the past 7 years, I've come to expect to not expect. Just another day. It doesn't need to warrant recognition, and expectations of frolicking in the flowers on my April birthday quickly dissipated when I came to realize that not EVERYONE loved birthdays as much as I do. Go figure.

Despite this rant, I have secretly still held a love for birthdays in my heart... and this year's tricentennial birthday didn't disappoint. 

Lets start at the beginning, shall we?

On April 7th (a warm friday evening in savannah) I took this good-lookin' snap in my kitchen while I was washing dishes: 

Things to note:

• i hadn't been able to walk well in two weeks
• my amazing landlord/neighbor brought me this tight-ass walker from her dad's house
• it was the eve before lauren and matt's wedding at savannah station with sincerely yours events 

April 8th came around, and Lauren was getting married and I was shooting her wedding. My second shooter , Eric-Scott , helped me gather up our gear and brace me (quite literally) for the day ahead. I braced my left knee (I'm developing a new meniscus tear ) , my right ankle that I always roll and my wrist that holds my camera.. in addition to my silver ring splints for my hands. 

The first photo was taken around 2pm by the sweetest Emily of Sincerely Yours Events here in Savannah, and the second was taken around 6:30 pm when cognitive issues really started to get the best of me. Family photos didn't go as smoothly as they normally do because I couldn't read/wrangle/pose/shoot as well as I normally can. An hour after the family photos, I sat down to take photos of the first dance and my eyes started to fail me. I couldn't focus on anything, my legs wouldn't hold me up and I had this visceral feeling of fear overcome me. I'd been communicating with my body all day (see previous post), and in that moment my body said "you have got to get out of here now. If you keep pushing on, your going to really hurt me and I need HELP. NOW" 

Sweet Emily dropped everything when I limped over to her and told her I needed to find a way to get to the Emergency Room. Thirty minutes later, I was admitting to the ER and Keli came to let Emily get back to the wedding where Eric-Scott was shooting the remaining reception. 

While in the Emergency Room, we had a hard time convincing the on-duty physician that I only wanted an IV infusion and no tests or pain medication. Somewhere I had read that saline solution helps people with EDS, so my goal was to get that inside my body to give it the boost it needed to get to Baltimore the following week to see Dr. Francomono at The Harvey Institute of Human Genetics. 

The eve before my 30th birthday, I was able to get a saline drip that helped my body get over the hump to a better "recovery" from that night's wedding. Unsure of the "why" behind it's magic properties, I didn't question it and remained thankful that it helped me hold my head up and stand up straight. I'd learn more about saline in Baltimore the following week.

The sun rose on April 9th, and so did I. My thirtieth birthday started with breakfast in bed of the most amazing gluten free french toast delivered by The Five Spot , and the best mimosas I've had in a lonnggg time.

I looked over at my phone and saw the sweetest birthday present delivered to me from my mom and dad. They made a "happy Birthday" sign and took it with them to church. They were so kind and thoughtful and surprised me with a LOT of people who helped raise me holding my happy birthday sign. (you will be impressed by my mom's photo skills) Needless to say, the tears flooded my empty french toast plate rather quickly. 

Hopeful to make the best day I could out of the crappy night before and celebrate my birthday with a bang, I loaded up myself and my walker in my element and headed to the beach with Eric-Scott.

We tried THREE different boardwalks on Tybee Island. All three times I was unable to make it past the pavement in the parking lot. My walker didn't push on the sand, and my legs wouldn't carry my weight without the extra support the walker provided. Thirty and unable to make it 10 feet to the ocean. Defeating, yes. Did I let it ruin my day? no.

My 30th birthday was filled with sunshine, flowers, amazing food, wonderful company and I felt beyond loved by the people around me. Circumstances sucked, but I can honestly say that it was one of the best birthdays I'd ever had. 

I felt celebrated the way I want to celebrate people on their birthdays. I received cards, gifs, texts, flowers, hugs, food.. and felt smothered in appreciation for the journeys I'd taken to get me to where I was on my thirtieth birthday. I kept repeating the words "this is the best day ever." 

Stay tuned for several posts on presents I got for my birthday.. including presents I got myself during a stoned shopping spree. It's riveting.

Body Language 101

other names for this post include:

• why i talk to myself in public places

• pep talks for my legs

• rosetta stone for spoonies 

• where can i find a brochure that teaches me how to talk to my hands? 

• i promise i'm not crazy, but i talk to my dogs and my toes

I am trying to change the narrative I tell myself. It's 3.28 am on a Friday. I fell asleep at 6pm with the help of muscle relaxers and alcohol. If your a doctor, you can respond in the comments about how i'm not allowed to do that, but i promise i'm ok. 

Yesterday was GOOD. A friend came over, I watched my animals play, I worked and fleshed out some big ideas, I had a great talk with my neighbor, and it was sunny and the air smelled fresh after the thunderstorm we had two nights ago. BUT, it was also a HARD day. Good and Hard can exist together, I've learned. 

I've been trying to re-imagine and re-design my life / work so that I can do things that make me happy/ make money/ have a flexible schedule like I have now. Yesterday all of that felt impossible. Hell, walking to the fridge seemed impossible until my neighbor showed up with a tight wheeled walker for me. It was brought to my attention that I use a lot of the word "can't". 

I can't shoot weddings much longer | i can't go to the grocery store | I can't shower today | I can't live by myself | I can't take the dogs on a walk |  i can't drive to the pharmacy

I said all of those phrases yesterday, and I would guess I said them more than once. When it comes to everything else in life, I'm the eternal optimist/pep talker/nothing-will-stand-in-my-way-don't-you-ever-tell-me-i-can't-do-THAT.

I need to change the way I talk to myself. I've found myself giving my body pep talks (out loud and in public) lately without even realizing it. Most of the time it looks like this:

scenario: walking from car to almond milk in the grocery store on a bad day.

out loud pep talk: "come on meg, you've got this.. your almost there.. remember when you used to run 8-35's in middle school and you didn't think you could do that? this is so much easier! all you have to do is get milk. come on, you've got this! move legs! "

Given these pep talks aren't intentional or very well planned, they just kind of happen.. just imagine "The Little Engine That Could". So, how can I have pep talks that are planned? How can I talk to my body in a way she loves and in a way that will help me navigate my days?

this is sarah. she's one of my favorite people in the whole world. lucky enough, i met her because i shot her wedding! 

When I visited my friend Sarah in Portland this winter, she was telling me about how she's started changing the way she operates when it comes to her body.. especially her body image. I told her to tell me what this looked like, and she told me the following: 

sarah (while looking in a mirror) : hi tummy! thank you for digesting my food and letting me eat yummy things! hi face (that has a huge zit on it) , you are beautiful and i'm so glad i have you to smile and laugh and experience the world. hi legs! thank you for moving every day.. for holding me up and getting me to where I need to go! You rock!

Tonight, while I'm laying in bed with The Jade Squad and unable to sleep because of pain, I realize that I need to do this with my body EVERY. SINGLE. SECOND. of every single day. What would it look like if I had those conversations with myself and my body regularly?

meg: " good morning body! what do you need from me today?" (during this time I would take inventory of how each of my body parts are feeling).. " thank you for giving me a good night's sleep and for those crazy dreams. i'm thankful that i can open my eyes this morning, thank you for letting me feel the soft cuddles of my dogs and kitten, thank you for letting me eat a yummy breakfast and see the sunshine outside! I'm going to take the best care I can of you today, but I also need you to get me where I need to go..what's the best way to get there? 

"thank you for letting me walk" | "thank you for letting me form words and sentences and for my imagination" | "thank you for not having your period anymore.. because that really sucked" (instead of being sad and angry that I had to have a hysterectomy) | "thank you for helping me understand what pain feels like, and for teaching me how to connect with other people because of that." | "your awesome! you have let me become a photographer and you've even helped me become good at that!" 

I think you get the idea. I know I need to stop saying "can't", but I think it runs a lot deeper than that. I think I'll begin to stop saying "can't" when I allow myself to see ALL OF THE AMAZING THINGS my body lets me do. I need to stop focusing on what it's kept me from doing, and focus on THE LIFE IT LETS ME LIVE. That change has to happen within myself and within the framework of how I see myself. 

I think this whole "turning can't into can" isn't about what we say to others, but more about what we say to ourselves. I've got to start being kinder and more gentle with myself. I want to love myself (all of me!) the way I love my friends. 

And right now, I'm texting with a friend (at 4 am) who needs me. So, I'm off. 

But I'll keep you updated on how this whole Body Language Rosetta Stone learning thing is going. 

Welcoming Nova-Luna to The Jade Cottage

I always assumed I was "a cat person" because we always had cats living in our garage or under our house growing up. It's actually kind of odd that I have gravitated to dogs in my adult life. It was time for a kitten. Really, if I'm honest, it has been a selfish endeavor.. or as eric-scott likes to say "self full" endeavor. It makes me FULL. My heart explodes every day as I watch this little creature bounce through the 300 square foot Jade Cottage. 

Two weeks ago, I had a dream that a little kitten walked into my life.. it was the Saturday night of the time change. The next day I woke up after having the best slumber party with my friend Brittany who just moved to Atlanta from Portland! Welcome to the south, Britt! We got brunch at The Five Spot (because their gluten free toast is ammazzing), and then I was exhausted to I turned on the tv, sat in bed and started to veg out over instagram. 

Instead of laying low, I saw that Emily of maime ruth lived two blocks up from me AND WAS GIVING KITTENS AWAY! I quickly messaged her on instagram trying to plea my case while also realizing I was totally insane to add ANOTHER animal into my 300 square foot cottage with two very excitable dogs. What if the kitten didn't like them? I told Waverly and Dakota to jump in the car with me, and we made our way over to Daffin to meet the kittens. 

This sweet little black kitty bounced over to me and let me pick her up and hold her. She purred and she cuddled and I was in love. Lets see how the dogs do. Who should I introduce first? Dakota who is sweet and lickable and kind.. or Waverly who is excitable, stronger than she thinks and VERY vocal? I figured Waverly would never stay in the car without me, so I introduced her and then Dakota and it went as smoothly as it could go.

She was destined to be apart of our tribe. 

Two weeks later, and she's made her way into all of our hearts. Every morning I wake up from her bouncing around the bed like a kangaroo or a toddler with a trampoline underneath their feet. Waverly has found her purpose in life, and Nova-Luna is happy to be the object of her affection. They will play for hours, jumping from the furniture like there is "lava" underneath. It reminds me of games I used to play with my friends as a child. Dakota loves Nova-Luna in her sweet and nurturing way. She cuddles, provides ample hours of fun with her swift tail wags. Nova-Luna is a firecracker with the sweetest touch. She has started running around in laps like the dogs, climbs the bricked fence beside me, and likes to run into the pups and bounce off of them like a street dancer. 

Her hair looks as if it's turning purple, and her belly is white and black ombre. I waited a full week to name her, waiting until I could see more of who she was and what she liked.

Nova is a star showing a sudden large increase in brightness and then slowly returning to its original state over a few months...

and after several days and a lot of name candidates and options, i found that Nova was her true self. But then, the following morning the words "nova-luna" came out of my mouth and it was magic. Lunar "comes from the Latin word luna, meaning moon. The Roman goddess of the moon is called Luna (Selene in Greek mythology). There are lunar eclipses, a lunar calendar, lunar tides, and lunar orbits."

I cannot wait to watch this little firecracker continue to rock stereotypes about cats, their relationships with other animals and their humans, and, well, women. She's already teaching me so much about bravery, and is testing me as I learn how to let her go out into the world even if I'd rather have her cuddling next to me. 

How To Start A Movement: Free To Run

friday night, on a whim, i decided to watch one of those new documentaries on Netflix to see how they measured up. free to run did NOT disappoint. within the first 5 minutes i had to pause it and text a few friends about "omg this is the best movie watch it". 

maybe it was just me, and this thing that has been stirring inside me for the past several weeks, but i was incredibly inspired by the grass roots and beauty of this story. simply showing up and saying "here i am" and BEING who you are is where the fire starts burning. 

also, women are strong as hell and i am proud to be one. 

High Five Homes : Ardsley Park Retreat

Perfecting the Art Of Failing

“In art, either as creators or participators, we are helped to remember some of the glorious things we have forgotten, and some of the terrible things we were asked to endure...” 

- Madeline L'Engle from "Walking on Water"

Some of you may recall my 100 Day Project I started last September. If you weren't around, the gist is that you spend 100 days creating. I chose to create art from different mediums I enjoyed.. namely my photographs. My hope was to be able to journal my journey with chronic pain and Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome through art. To tell the story of the invisible, and to stretch msyelf as an artist. 

On that same note, you might also recall me totally not finishing that very same 100 day project.I made it all the way to day twenty and then some major changes happened. I unintentionally quit the project, and simultaneously excused myself from social media for following four months. Where did the project go? No one knew, including myself.  

Twenty days into the project I unintentionally quit creating. It was one of my first big public failures. I had announced that I was going to start this project and in so was holding myself accountable by the "public eye". 

Those twenty days were perhaps the twenty most creative and soul-changing days I have experienced in my adult life. While I will admit that I failed at my initial goal of creating art for 100 days, I succeeded in allowing my spirit to find parts of itself during that process of creating art daily. 

It's been five months since those twenty days, and I can finally admit out loud that I failed. And, also, not feel like I have to excuse or defend myself for said failure. 

Making art changes you. I don't believe that anything I created during those twenty days were necessarily life-changing works of art from a critic's (or even viewer's) standpoint. The important thing about those works created were the things the process of creating was stirring within me. One of my favorite authors, Madeline L'Engle wrote a beautiful book titled, "Walking on Water", that says it so well..  

“When the work takes over, then the artist is enabled to get out of the way, not to interfere. When the work takes over, then the artist listens.”

I was not creating the art to be changed. I was creating the art to change my craft and the perception of invisible illnesses. I had hoped to learn to work within different mediums, and to combine some of my favorite creative disciplines during the 100 days of creating. While that may have happened in a sense, the growing actually happened WITIHIN me..not in my finished pieces. Maybe that "growing" was more like a re-birth? A re-awakening? Coming home to myself again. Yes. 

“The discipline of creation, be it to paint, compose, write, is an effort towards wholeness.” 

While I may have not learned how to use oil paint like I would have liked, I DID learn how to fail. Through this whole process I failed super-duper hard. Some failings were seen by the public eye (like not finishing my 100 day project and having to ask for help in ways that were pretty damn humbling) , and some were privately and quietly. I disappeared from social media for four months because the failure was so huge for me. Being a first-born and type-a and perfectionist makes it even harder to admit failure. I EXPECTED to finish this 100 day project.

And now, I realize that it's even better if I admit my failures and accept myself for them. I allow myself to say, "hey, I didn't finish and that's ok! the project served the purpose it was meant to serve and I am grateful for that." Its ok to fail. It is ok to admit failure out loud. It's embarrassing, and sometimes soul-crushing and most of the time it hurts like hell. The important thing is that we can admit our failure, learn from our mistakes and pick ourselves up and try again.

I'm learning and looking to find my voice this year. To share more stories. It is going to be a slow and possibly painful process as my stories are birthed and written poorly. But, it is my hope that it is a beautiful process. I'll most likely fail at times, and that's ok. I'll most likely start another 100 day project that risks failure again. I'll move forward set on my goal while trusting in the process of it all.

I  leave you with this beautiful manifesto by one of my favorite authors and researchers, Brene Brown.

“MANIFESTO OF THE BRAVE AND BROKENHEARTED

There is no greater threat to the critics and cynics and fearmongers

Than those of us who are willing to fall

Because we have learned how to rise

With skinned knees and bruised hearts;

We choose owning our stories of struggle,

Over hiding, over hustling, over pretending.

When we deny our stories, they define us.

When we run from struggle, we are never free.

So we turn toward truth and look it in the eye.

We will not be characters in our stories.

Not villains, not victims, not even heroes.

We are the authors of our lives.

We write our own daring endings.

We craft love from heartbreak, Compassion from shame, Grace from disappointment, Courage from failure.

Showing up is our power.

Story is our way home.

Truth is our song.

We are the brave and brokenhearted.

We are rising strong.”  

- Brene Brown