other names for this post include:

• why i talk to myself in public places

• pep talks for my legs

• rosetta stone for spoonies 

• where can i find a brochure that teaches me how to talk to my hands? 

• i promise i'm not crazy, but i talk to my dogs and my toes

I am trying to change the narrative I tell myself. It's 3.28 am on a Friday. I fell asleep at 6pm with the help of muscle relaxers and alcohol. If your a doctor, you can respond in the comments about how i'm not allowed to do that, but i promise i'm ok. 

Yesterday was GOOD. A friend came over, I watched my animals play, I worked and fleshed out some big ideas, I had a great talk with my neighbor, and it was sunny and the air smelled fresh after the thunderstorm we had two nights ago. BUT, it was also a HARD day. Good and Hard can exist together, I've learned. 

I've been trying to re-imagine and re-design my life / work so that I can do things that make me happy/ make money/ have a flexible schedule like I have now. Yesterday all of that felt impossible. Hell, walking to the fridge seemed impossible until my neighbor showed up with a tight wheeled walker for me. It was brought to my attention that I use a lot of the word "can't". 

I can't shoot weddings much longer | i can't go to the grocery store | I can't shower today | I can't live by myself | I can't take the dogs on a walk |  i can't drive to the pharmacy

I said all of those phrases yesterday, and I would guess I said them more than once. When it comes to everything else in life, I'm the eternal optimist/pep talker/nothing-will-stand-in-my-way-don't-you-ever-tell-me-i-can't-do-THAT.

I need to change the way I talk to myself. I've found myself giving my body pep talks (out loud and in public) lately without even realizing it. Most of the time it looks like this:

scenario: walking from car to almond milk in the grocery store on a bad day.

out loud pep talk: "come on meg, you've got this.. your almost there.. remember when you used to run 8-35's in middle school and you didn't think you could do that? this is so much easier! all you have to do is get milk. come on, you've got this! move legs! "

Given these pep talks aren't intentional or very well planned, they just kind of happen.. just imagine "The Little Engine That Could". So, how can I have pep talks that are planned? How can I talk to my body in a way she loves and in a way that will help me navigate my days?

When I visited my friend Sarah in Portland this winter, she was telling me about how she's started changing the way she operates when it comes to her body.. especially her body image. I told her to tell me what this looked like, and she told me the following: 

sarah (while looking in a mirror) : hi tummy! thank you for digesting my food and letting me eat yummy things! hi face (that has a huge zit on it) , you are beautiful and i'm so glad i have you to smile and laugh and experience the world. hi legs! thank you for moving every day.. for holding me up and getting me to where I need to go! You rock!

Tonight, while I'm laying in bed with The Jade Squad and unable to sleep because of pain, I realize that I need to do this with my body EVERY. SINGLE. SECOND. of every single day. What would it look like if I had those conversations with myself and my body regularly?

meg: " good morning body! what do you need from me today?" (during this time I would take inventory of how each of my body parts are feeling).. " thank you for giving me a good night's sleep and for those crazy dreams. i'm thankful that i can open my eyes this morning, thank you for letting me feel the soft cuddles of my dogs and kitten, thank you for letting me eat a yummy breakfast and see the sunshine outside! I'm going to take the best care I can of you today, but I also need you to get me where I need to go..what's the best way to get there? 

"thank you for letting me walk" | "thank you for letting me form words and sentences and for my imagination" | "thank you for not having your period anymore.. because that really sucked" (instead of being sad and angry that I had to have a hysterectomy) | "thank you for helping me understand what pain feels like, and for teaching me how to connect with other people because of that." | "your awesome! you have let me become a photographer and you've even helped me become good at that!" 

I think you get the idea. I know I need to stop saying "can't", but I think it runs a lot deeper than that. I think I'll begin to stop saying "can't" when I allow myself to see ALL OF THE AMAZING THINGS my body lets me do. I need to stop focusing on what it's kept me from doing, and focus on THE LIFE IT LETS ME LIVE. That change has to happen within myself and within the framework of how I see myself. 

I think this whole "turning can't into can" isn't about what we say to others, but more about what we say to ourselves. I've got to start being kinder and more gentle with myself. I want to love myself (all of me!) the way I love my friends. 

And right now, I'm texting with a friend (at 4 am) who needs me. So, I'm off. 

But I'll keep you updated on how this whole Body Language Rosetta Stone learning thing is going.