A few weeks ago I remembered how to access all of my old posts from the blog I wrote for several years. It has been beautiful for me to go back and read some of the things that I wrote.. to see how I have transformed and to see how beautiful my perspective was during the darkest 7 years of my life. To see how flowers are blooming from that time of grief in my life.

We will only wait on Him with joy if we have deep confidence in His love for us. - David Timms 

This waiting. This intimate patience and battle with the Lord has left me ragged and undone at times. Waiting for Him to speak again, waiting for Him to make clear a purpose again. Waiting for the sun to rise again over one extremely dark (but albeit beautiful) night. 

Waiting for answers unknown, waiting for money that isn't there, waiting for peace and direction when the once clear path has been overtaken by fog. 

As I was reading through the second section of  Your Beautiful Purpose, I was reminded again how hard this process of waiting and patience has been. I love this section where she quotes "Streams In The Desert":

" Waiting is much more difficult than walking, for waiting requires patience, and patience is a rare virtue. We only enjoy knowing that God builds hedges around His people, when we look at the hedge from the aspect of protection. But when we see it growing higher and higher until we can no longer see over it, we wonder if we will ever get out of our little sphere of influence and service where we feel trapped. Sometimes it is hard for us to understand why we do not have a larger area of service, and it becomes difficult for us to ' brighten the corner' where we are. But God has a purpose in all of His delays. ' The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD." 

I am reminded that where I am has it's purpose, even in the dark and in the place where I never thought I would have to reside. Even when my sphere of influence seems so small, and God seems so distant. 

I was send an e mail this past week by a sweet reader who has now become a precious friend. She sent me a passage from "One Thousand Gifts", which I read long ago, and at the time this particular passage didn't strike me as much as it did now. As I have been processing through this season of waiting and patience, I have also been processing through this season of Darkness.. waiting on the Lord to show himself and wondering why He hasn't. Anne Describes this so beautifully: 

"When my glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with my hand until you have passed by.  Then I will remove my hand and you will see my back. (Exodus 33:22-23)

"Is that it? (says Anne)  When it gets dark, it's only because God has tucked me in a cleft of the rock and covered me, protected, with His hand?  In the pitch, I feel like I'm falling, sense the bridge giving way, God long absent.  In the dark, the bridge and our lives shake not because God has abandoned, but the exact opposite: God is passing by.  God is in the tremors.  Dark is the holiest ground, the glory passing by. In the blackest, God is closest, at work, forging His perfect and right will."

So maybe He isn't as absent as I think He is. Maybe He is hovering over me, protecting me and teaching me to trust in His perfect timing.. teaching me this intimate dance of patience with Him.